The Stupidest and Most Laughable Takes on the Hans Niemann Cheating Controversy

By now, I'm sure the vast majority of readers know of the huge scandal where the world's #1 Chess player - Magnus Carlsen - accused young American Grandmaster Hans Niemann of cheating. There are a ton of people who have walked hard in order to work out what the most likely scenarios are here, and thought late into the night so that they could wrap their brain about the scenario and try to to form a logical opinion. Fortunately for this blog, there are others who seem to have been... err... Just a tiny bit less invested in creating a good take, and their wild theories have suffered in credibility, but also have proved to be great comedic entertainment.

Before we begin, I would like to say that I've kept the users who've given these takes anonymous for a reason; Please don't seek them out to send or anything like that. We're just here to have a little bit of a laugh and learn more about what some people think of the massive cheating controversy.

Laughable Take #1:

Our first take can be found in the comment section of a video where Hikaru reacts to MoistCr1TiKal discussing the cheating affair. The commenter's theory has over 1 thousand upvotes, though probably not for how insightful it is. What the individual here states doesn't sound like a joke to me just because of the fact that I've heard extremely similar comments be stated seriously, but I'll leave it up to you readers to decide whether or not that is the case here because I honestly don't know.

Anyways, here are their words on the TRUE reasons behind the whole drama: "Hans didn't cheat. Magnus is upset because Hans is dating his sister, and he doesn't approve. He only allow[s] his sister date 2800 players."

This is, simply put, an incredible-big-brain-genius-1000 IQ theory that makes no sense whatsoever. The theory survives a basic level inspection, because it seems to be a widespread fact that Magnus has 3 sisters.

However, there is no evidence here that this technically possible but clearly bizarre situation occurred. Not only that, but it seems ridiculous that Hans would ever even meet any of Carlsen's family, given the fact that they all live and work in Norway, which is a country that I can't find any record of him ever going to.

Theoretically, one of Magnus' sisters could have been having a relationship with Niemann Online, but the odds of the two somehow getting in touch are even slimmer than the odds of me getting Top Blogger someday.

Additionally, this wild myth about the cheating scandal collapses when you realize that Carlsen has an amicable relationship with his sister Ellen, who is married and has now had two children with a guy who physically cannot be 2800 FIDE.

Laughable Take #2:

I posted a comment on the article about the resolution of this controversy, laughing about the Youtube comment we discussed above. My goal was to see how some of the trolls - excuse me, I mean highly intellectual academics - would respond to the hilarious theory.

One of the replies proposed a new wild idea for what happened to cause the cheating scandal between Hans and Magnus, it reads as follows: "Last time before the Sinquefeld tournament, Carlsen was playing with Hans on the beach 🏖️ Maybe he asked Hans out for a date and Hans turned him down. So he’s mad at Hans and wanted to ruin Hans’s life..."

Magnus and Hans played a series of Chess matches against each other on the beach in Miami on August 12, 2022,  less than a month before he would beat Carlsen in the Sinquefield Cup and set the world aflame.

However, the notion that Magnus would desperately desire to be in a relationship with a Chess Grandmaster who he barely knew at the time seems... Extremely odd. And why would Carlsen try and ruin someone's life just because they rejected him? This doesn't align with any factual information about his character, and I think we would know by now if the #1 Chess player in the world had a habit for trying to torture those who didn't want o be in a relationship with him.

Also, if you take into account the fact that Hans was 19 when they played on the beach and that fact that Magnus was 31 makes trying to add in any weird elements into their games against each other extremely creepy, especially since they were just trying to enjoy the game of Chess.

Laughable Take #3:

One of the many comments in the Hans Niemann Report is purportedly proposing a "solution" to the cheating scandal. There's one minor issue however: The idea presented would never work to actually get to the bottom of the case, though it did do a good job of getting close to the bottom of the comment section when you filter by relevance to see which thoughts were perceived in a good light.

Here's the quote in question: "Perhaps Chess.com should consult with one of he greatest cheat detectors in the online poker world who goes by the online name of magic612. He is the greatest cheat detector that I have ever seen."

Magic612 is a Youtuber with a bit over 3 thousand subscribers, and he hasn't posted any videos in the past 12 years. Even if he wasn't retired from content creation, he probably still wouldn't be the greatest person for Chess.Com to hire, seeing as he likely has no knowledge of Chess.

See, Magic612 is/was an expert on catching cheaters... In poker. The likelihood that he would just be able to learn Chess and do a better job at determining whether or not a top Grandmaster cheated than all of Chess.Com's Fair Play Team when they're working with some of the best players of the world is completely nonsensical.

I mean... Come on... These comments are so ridiculous. It's almost like you started reading a blog that was titled "The Stupidest and Most Laughable Takes..."

Laughable Take #4

"Upset by the defeat to the 19-year-old Neimann, Carlsen... Said that Neimann had cheated by using wireless vibrating anal beads."

This quote comes from the TOTALLY trustworthy website EuroNews, which by the way for legal reasons is probably not particularly trustworthy. In the article in question that I was shocked to find wasn't written by a Middle Schooler with even less writing skill than me, the author makes a series of ridiculous statements about the controversy.

First of all, I would like to ask why they spelled Hans Niemann incorrectly five out of twelve times in the article? They clearly weren't sure about the correct way to write his name, so they proceeded to use alternate spellings and seemingly not fact check which one is correct, because apparently, making a quick Internet search is too much research or something for a news article.

Anyways, if you ask anyone on the street what they've heard about Chess in the news over the past couple of years, you'll probably get responses that either say "The Queens Gambit", "Anal Beads", or both. The theory that Hans Niemann cheated using Anal Beads originated in the ChessBrah's Twitch Chat as a joke, according to the third best player in the world: GM Hikaru Nakamura.

However, Magnus never accused Hans of cheating this way. And besides, it's definitely not the most likely way that anyone would try to use Stockfish in an Over the Board match, even if Niemann was actually cheating.

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There, that's all for my blog about some of the most ridiculous takes on this serious controversy! I hoped you laughed as much as you would laugh at me if I face revealed, and maybe I taught you a thing or two!