sacred chess jokes
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I don't get your story at all niranjan_ps
Oct 13, 2016
0
#104
I bought a new chess set, when I opened the box I noticed one of the Bishop pieces was cooked and deformed I says to my dad"This Bishop is bent"he says "Don't worry son they all are!
Bridget227 wrote:
Morphy and Paulsen were playing a match, and this was before chess clocks, so Paulsen was thinking and concentrating and scratching his head for hours. Morphy being the ultimate gentleman did not say a word, until it started to get dark, when he finally spoke up: "Mr. Paulsen, may I please have a move?"
Paulsen replied, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought it was your move."
I remember that from a book
I think that Morphy won that game if you are talking about that
Q- A cheetah and a lion are playing chess. They ask each other what their favorite pieces are. What did the lion say?
A- The king. The lion is one!
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world
in one turn.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows
to live.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick
to the face.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
The fear of spiders is called Arachnophobia. The fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia. The fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.
A communist, an illegal immigrant, and an Islamic terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender says "Good morning, Mr. President!"
Chuck Norris doesn't study chess books; he stares them down until he gets
the information he needs.
Chuck Norris never studied the periodic table because he only recognizes
the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the neck; it's descendants are today
known as giraffes
Chuck Norris could show us what happens if an unstoppable force struck an
immovable object. But he has no reason to punch himself in his own jaw.
Residents of Martain trailer parks live in fear of being abducted by Chuck
Norris!
Chuck Norris Network=CNN
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John,
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough."Why don't
you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages
that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's
a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the
wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right. Get in."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his
phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What
can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure
he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone,
the guy says "OK, now what?"
Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette. The nicotine got hooked.
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes,"
replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next
year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice
horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and
replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa
that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I
guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper
responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he
said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car but was having a lot of problems
because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day she told her problem to a
brunette that she worked with. The brunette told her: "There is a
possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.""That
doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car.""Okay,"
said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car
repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car
anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde: "Did you sell
your car?""No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it."
An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone
rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!""It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
them!"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in
terror like his passengers.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick
up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it
down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have
the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the
soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The
soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
Chuck Norris wakes up at 10:30, half-an-hour before he goes to bed.
Chuck Norris found the Holy Grail. He uses it for a shot glass.
Chuck Norris knows where Hiedegger's cat is ALL the time.
When Chuck Norris jogs through CERN, the particles move faster than light
because they're afraid of him.
Chuck Norris became a billionaire at age 7 from stealing lunch money.
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple
in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into
the bathroom. While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey, I love you too!!"
TIPS ON FOLLOWING PERFECTLY GOOD ETIQUETTE
1) Never resign - if you do so your rating is immediately reduced - wait your opponent's computer may go phut.
2) Start taking your full time allotment - and then make a pointless move - if you have vacation time even better (see below)
3) Also complain to chess.com admin if your opponent inconsiderately starts making 'conditional' moves as this is clearly cheating.
4) Remember even when it looks like checkmate you may be able to interpose your Queen
5) If your opponent has the impoliteness not to resign in awe of your better understanding of chess etiquette start offering a draw every move
6) Make some taunting comments and should they succeed in checkmating you send an appropriate trophy pointing out their unfair tactic of playing
good moves
7) Finally challenge them to a rematch and when you receive their response report them for foul and abusive language
Here's a tip about vacations; If you are a premium member you have an auto vacation. Don't move on games you are about to be checkmated.
Chess.com will put you on vacation when you have only 30 minutes left. Immediately come off vacation and 24 hours is added to all your game times.
Move on other games but still don't move on losing games. Repeat and you can keep going for months!
Moments when you should feel danger at chess:
1. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
2. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
3. You have the position won but your opponent has a gun.
4. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
5. Before the game begins you notice your opponents 1st initials are ‘GM’.
6. After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.
7. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
8. You don’t control any squares at all.
9. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
10. Your opponent has 3 bishops.
A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him! "What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news." "Tell me the good news first." "Well, it's really heaven here.
There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can
play them." "Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?" "You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb? Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say the lighting is OK,
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings,
one to complain about the disturbance others are causing both arbiters, and one to say the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
Morphy and Paulsen were playing a match, and this was before chess clocks, so Paulsen was thinking and concentrating and scratching his head for hours.
Morphy being the ultimate gentleman did not say a word, until it started to get dark, when he finally spoke up: "Mr. Paulsen, may I please have a move?"
Paulsen replied, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought it was your move."
I am so great at chess I find new and innovative checkmates and traps everyday!!!....... and I fall for them on purpose.
It has been a fantastic day for equal rights, after schools around the world announced their decision to finally ban the overtly racist and classist piece
of offensive intolerance disguised as a board game, Chess. “Just look at the game,” said Headmaster of Checkerton High School, Chek Mayt, “It’s all about
kings and queens forcing the poor proletariat pawns around a board, and about whites fighting blacks to control a limited bit of territory. We’re just glad
we can finally throw this Nazi-esque piece of crude pro-supremacy propaganda in the bin.” Chess, as we all know, was invented by 1623 by Adolf Hitler and
Joseph Stalin, who came up with the concept after realising how charred or polished bones of innocent men and women could each be carved into different
little figurines for use in board games aimed at whiling away the quiet moments between public executions. Chess was preceded by the far more bigoted
Backgammon (a word which derives from the Old Latin, Bacchus Gammonius, meaning “slaughter of innocents”) which involved impaling white and black pieces on
different colour spikes, with the winner being the one who can get rid of their particular ethic group the fastest. Mayt is just one of many Education
professionals who stand by the new ban. He added that what made the game even more like a mini Apartheid was how some pieces, like the Bishop, are forced
to always remain on their specific coloured area. “What are we trying to teach our kids? That we are all just expendable, exploited pieces on the board of
life, divided up by the colour of our skin and never allowed by society to leave our predefined roles or change our lot in life? What if a rook wants to
move in an ‘L’ shape? What if a pawn wants to take a step to the side? What if a king doesn’t want to sacrifice his subjects in a pointless war that has no
real purpose or reason except racial hatred and territorial disputes?” Schools have for a number of years now been trying to slowly marginalise chess out
of their hallways through covert operations, but they say that it has not yet proven successful, and that there was finally no other choice than drastic
action. “We used to pay kids to beat up the smaller kids who played this game between AP Maths and Advance Chemistry, calling them ‘nerds’ and ‘dorks’ in
the hopes that they would bow to peer pressure and social norms and give up the game, but it’s still played today,” said Mayt. “Extreme measures are
necessary. If we want to teach our kids tolerance and acceptance, we have to ban this game and condemn anyone who plays it.” Some theorists are now trying
to work on a “more tolerant, less ethnically charged version” of the game, but say they have encountered some difficulties. “We first tried to fix it by
changing the colours of the pieces, but even this has proven not enough. We tried yellow and red, but now it just looks like we’re trying to portray Asian
and Indian ethnic cleansing.” In spite of these difficulties, these hard-working men and women say they are optimistic that they are on the verge of a “much
better game”. “We’re making a new version in which every piece is a mutli-coloured rainbow pawn – so that we’re all equal and racially sensitive – and a
new bunch of rules in which your pieces democratically elect a King, and then you spend the rest of the game exercising passive measures instead of violence,
equipping your pieces with placards, marijuana, flowers and an iconic soundtrack to stop the pointless violence of war. Sure, there isn’t a winner or loser,
and it’s not at all fun – but isn’t that the best way to teach kids the basic lessons of life?” The game goes on sale next week, alongside the new
anti-capitalist version of a popular board game, Marx-nopoly, in which players equally distribute land and spread their Pass-Go-Collect-200-Dollars income
evenly among the masses.
A Spanish merchant traveling a lonely road did business from town to town. One day he came aross an Arab sitting in the middle of the road with a chess
board. Curious, the merchant asked, "Why are sitting here alone playing chess?" "Oh, I'm not alone," said the Arab. "But I don't see anyone with you."
"That is, the Arab replied, because I play the great Allah, the One who is everwhere!" "You have a powerful opponent, then!" "Yes, but a fair one."
"And is He winning?" asked the merchant. "It seems so. Can you see how I can avoid being checkmated by His next move? It will mean I cannot play anymore
today." "Why not?" asked the merchant, puzzled. "I will have lost all my money," replied the Arab. Stunned and not believing his ears, the merchant said
slowly, "You and Allah play chess for money?" He had never ever heard of such a thing. "Yes. See, here I lose twenty gold pieces." "But wait, how do you
pay Allah?" "Oh, of course Allah doesn't take the money Himself. He sends some honest holy man who takes it from me amd gives it to the poor. That is the
same as giving it to Allah. And, since I have indeed lost, you must be the man Allah has sent today. Here, do Allah's and take these twenty gold pieces."
The merchant, not as honest or holy as he might have been, was delighted.
Weeks later, again traveling that road, the merchant shook his head at the thought of the Arab playing chess with Allah. Suddenly, in the middle of the
road was the Arab, sitting alone with his chess board. "Is Allah winning today?" asked the merchant pulling his wagon up alongside.
"No," replied the Arab, happily. "In fact, in one more move I shall checkmate Him, and win a hundred gold pieces!" "And however will Allah pay you?"
"Oh, of course Allah doesn't pay me Himself. He sends some honest holy man who will give me what I have won! Today," the Arab finished, "you must be the
man Allah has sent to pay me one hundred gold pieces."
Mr. A: "hm~~, I am confused"
Mr. B: "What's the problem, A?"
Mr. A: "Well, I am thinking about chess."
Mr. B: "Oh, I am an expert, A, so if you got any. . . "
Mr. A: "OH GOOD~, you see B, THe queen has the power of both Bishop and Rook, which makes it kinda the best piece in the game but, how come the queen can't
move like a knight?"
Mr. B: "Um... um... um... Maybe... because... um... The queen is too shy to get onto a horse... you know... the skirt and stuff... "
Mr. A: "Ok... but I thought only man can go to war. How come there is a queen in the chess board?"
Mr. B: "Because... um... um... everyone should be treated equally?"
Mr. A: "I see. I thought women weren't treated equally in the past."
Mr. B: "You know what, I gtg."
A young man goes to pick up his new girlfriend at her house and finds that she’s not ready yet. Her father lets him in and invites him to sit down.
“She’s only putting on her make-up… she won’t be long. Care for a game of chess ?"
Husband: “What piece will you not find on a chess board?”
Wife: “Peace of mind apparently! What’s with all the questions?”
Bobby Fischer married a Czechoslovakian girl because he wanted a Czechmate.
Two beginners:
“I improved my English, Spanish, French, Russian and Italian.”
“Then you must be a genius!”
“Why?”
“You can speak so many languages…”
“I am talking about chess openings and not languages.”
Good one
I actually had a game as black that was 1. b4 e5 2. Bb2 f6 3. a3 Nh6 no joke
Why can’t Americans play chess?
cuz they already lost two towers
Why can’t British people play chess?
cuz they already lost a queen
pawntoss I totally get you