Recommend me a lazy black opening

I'm super lazy right now in chess and planning to climb the elo ladder with an easy and even boring opening or defense or system.

Recently, a GM wrote an article here telling us about London system being the lazy white opening but I am yet to read about lazy black opening. I'm now playing London system and I am actually okay with it cause I can worry more about my middle and end game since opening is more or less the same every time.

So, what lazy black opening can deal with any white response? Literally, please don't recommend me french or caro-kann or those fancy openings I heard of. They need time to study and I don't really like to go through variations. 

Hope you can help me out here.

Rat.  Play g6, Bg7, d6.  Advance queenside pawns to break up White's queenside so as to increase the power of your king bishop.  Enjoy.

I guess I could try that

There's not much theory in the owen, I guess you could try that

For 1. e4, I recommend the Scandinavian (1. e4 d5) with 2. ...Qxd5 and then 3. ...Qa5:

Although it looks bad at first ("why is Black letting White steal a tempo?" was something I pointed out in the forums, until I got destroyed by my friend in chess club when he played the 3. ...Qd8 variation of the Scandi), it's pretty solid (since it's somewhat like the Caro-Kann, a solid opening which requires some studying due to variations) and requires little studying, since early deviations from the mainline are bad for White (and decent for Black).

A nice quick video on the Scandi from Chess.com can be found here.

For 1.d4 pfren recommended the QGD Lasker since it's "easy to master, not very ambitious, but extremely solid":

Double fianchento: 1.b6 2. g6 3. Bb6 4. Bg6. The idea is to give white the center for quick development your pieces and punish white overextended pawns. Your advantage is active piece play. There is none theory here so all is in your hands. Good luck.

It's much harder for Black to be 'lazy' in the opening.  If White plays subpar moves while Black is accurate in the opening, then the game becomes equal.  If you reverse the situation, though, then Black can end up anywhere from a slight to major disadvantage.

It's also harder for Black to create a universal system because White has the first move, which allows him to change the character of the position.  Sure, the Nf6, g6, Bg7 and 0-0 approach can be used against everything, but if White plays the Samisch KID or the Austrian Attack of the Pirc against you, you're in major theory territory.  That's the opposite of lazy.

That said, the closest thing to a lazy, theory-free, universal opening for Black would be the Hippo.  You just play the same setup regardless of what White does, and then you react with an appropriate pawn break.

The simpliest repertoire I've found is the London, 3...Qd8 Scandinavian, and the Tarrasch Defense against the Queen's Gambit. The Slav is often mentioned but I've found the Tarrasch Defense easier to learn and play. In the mainline play 9...cxd4, not 9...c4 (9...c4 is very complex). I suggest the book The Tarrasch Defense Move by Move by Sam Collins. He gives enough analysis and explains a lot and focuses on 9...cxd4 not 9...c4.

If White avoids playing 2 c4 (after 1 d4) heading for one of his pet openings then play the London reversed as black. You can also use the London reversed against the King's Indian Attack and against 1 b3. 

The 3...Qd8 Scandinavian Simple and Strong by Daniel Lowinger is the book to use. However, he doesn't cover when white plays 3 d4 or 3 Nf3, he only covers 3 Nc3. You will need to pick up some lines against 3 d4 and 3 Nf3 from another source. 

Tempo-loss is often over-rated. Look at a few main-lines:

Caro-Kann:

All black openings are defensive in nature. Once you get to mid-game you can take advantage of whites and be as offensive as you like.  

My lazy black system is to play a Caro-Slav type structure:

Vs 1. e4 you play c6, d5. At a low level, most opponents either play the exchange, or main line, sometimes Nf3, Nc3. Vs the exchange you get a small disbalance(e pawn vs c pawn). The play is somewhat simple develop your pieces, and then use either the Minority attack(trade b pawn for c pawn), or push f6 e5. With mainline the play is pretty straight forward, develop your bishop to f5, remember to play f6, set up for central break after.

In the Slav structure, look at a variation you like, i mostly prefer a6 b5 variants

When I asked for a black opening, I want to use that same opening for every white response.

So far, I'm considering Rat defense or Hippopotamus defense but I prefer more answers for me to see.

So, to those who recommend me center counter defense or Tarasch defense, I have you know that it only responds to e4 and d4 but not the rest.

Why not play 1...e6? Playable against anything, following it up with either d5, c5, Nc6 etc. It transposes into a French or Queen's Gambit declined in many variations, also you can transposition into a Dutch in d4 openings at the right time

Or try 1...Nc6, also playable

I'd recommend the Lazy Susan - 1...h6  2...h5  3...h4  -  for those who can't be bothered moving any other piece.

Again, those variations requires study. I should said "I'm not interested in theoretical plays" 

Play 1.b6 against anything white plays. Except if he plays 1.g3, then you'll have to do something else. Alternatively you could play 1.g6 against anything white does.

Apparently I seen a common trend of the g6 recommendation and I believe I'll start adopting the defense as my option. Rat defense it is then but I have to find ways to minimize the response from white.

The Rat involving g6, Bg7 and d6 very often transposes to a Pirc Defence (which arises if Black plays Nf6 at some point), at which point White can employ a whole variety of systems Black cannot stop e.g 150 Attack, Austrian Attack, transposing into a KID Saemisch (which is the very opposite of theory-light).

The hippo does not have a lot of theory, but White can make it difficult for Black by employing a 4-pawn center (with pawns on c4, d4, e4 and f4) since Black has given up the center completely before using the center to squish you to death.

To conclude, the system openings for Black don't really help you avoid theory and get a game without significant concessions; I'd argue that it leads to more theory and/or gives you a significant concession.