Chess Limericks

True.  In limericks grammar is as clay

To shape to fit your words in your way.

This, I know well since

I've taken the license

Of the artistic kind on most days.

I shall now recite a limerick once said

Before I shuffle off to my bed.

So look on, my friend

And remember the trend

That, for the moment seems wholly dead.

ONE OF MY BEST LIMERICKS

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I once played against Kasparov,

Tal, Morphy, Fischer, and Karpov.

I have no time portal,

Nor am I immortal,

'Tis in a dream that I speak of!

Tonight I found to my sorrow,

That I was to play Capablanca tomorrow,

For alas and alack,

I had drawn to play black,

So I'll need a chess engine to borrow.

There once was a man from Wyoming

Who spent all of his days just roaming

Among towns and cities

While whistling ditties

With his dog that was always foaming.

He was an avid player of chess.

He would play any person unless

They were a bad sport.

He despised that sort.

But one day, there came a man named Hess.

He was an arrogant chess master

Who boasted that he could play faster

Than all other folks,

Citizens, and blokes.

But this day, he met with disaster.

The old man sat down to eat at noon,

But his lips had barely touched the spoon

When Hess started up

And mocked the man's pup.

That got the old man mad as a coon.

He challenged Hess to a game of chess.

The other people stood there speechless.

Hess laughed out loud

And the gathered crowd

Knew the man got himself in a mess.

The two men sat down at the chessboard.

And opened with traditional accord.

1. e4, e5

And the pieces came alive.

A loss was something neither could afford.

The old man, playing black in this game

Made moves that appeared to be very lame.

But as the fight raged,

Hess soon found himself caged

As the man threatened to snuff out his flame.

For over forty moves, pieces slid

Until Black finally put a lid

On White's intentions

And forced dissensions

In ways Hess himself often did.

By move sixty, White's position stank.

Black had a passer on the second rank.

White's rook, overloaded,

Futily boded

Resistance in a setup so dank.

From h1, the forlorn tower stood

As only any doomed soldier could.

Black would soon evict

The rook and constrict

The noose as any chess player should.

The black king sped up to g2

While White's king, from b5, could only rue

This crushing defeat

As black did unseat

The castle and gave passage to h2.

The next move, the h pawn promoted

And White subsequently demoted

His rook to "fodder"

With a move no odder

Than keeping the rook now denoted.

The White tower lopped off the Black queen

But Black's reply was utterly mean.

The king recaptured

And Black was raptured

To a completely victorious scene.

The White king was now left all alone

Right in the midst of the killing zone.

On move eighty-eight

There occurred a mate

Made by Black's king and rook all on their own.

Hess then looked at the man then around.

He could see everyone from the town.

Their silence spoke a ton

Under that day's sun.

Finally someone took ol' Hess down.

Hess, embarrassed, arose and stomped away

Wondering why his skills went astray.

Not one person jeered,

But all of them cheered.

Life was good for the people that day.

The man lodged at the inn for the night

And when morning came, sunny and bright,

He ate some vittles

And munched skittles

As he thought about old Hess's plight.

In the end, the man let it alone,

Bought his trusty dog a big ham bone,

And left the city,

Whistling his ditty.

As the sun in the sky boldly shone.

I taught my dog to play chess,

But I can beat him in ten moves or less,

Now when I get him in check,

He gulps my piece down his neck,

So I'm totally stumped I confess.

My cat Marum plays a crafty chess game,

And my replies to his gambits are lame,

So I spray him with water,

Though I know I shouldn't oughta,

To deny him his moment of fame.

Hey bugoobiga.  Haven't seen you 'round here in a while.  :D

i know, it's been quite a while. hope you're doing well.