Buy Fritz9 or and older version, donwload the free Rybka engine, use Rybka on Fritz. Rybka will give you a 2800-2900 rating if you give "him" enough time on each move.
how on earth do you cheat

"I just might be able to help stop it."
Does this involve a telephone booth and a brightly coloured costume?

IF you think you can help. contact chess.com. but you should not talk about cheating in the forums
It is the Taboo word for the chess.com forms

Well, there are several ways of cheating.
The main one, is using an engine to analyse the game and find the best move.
Another is having multiple accounts, and joining the same tournament, or playing yourself to inflate your rating.

Chess Sociopath is the answer
its not that I want to I've heard rumours its a software, I just might be able to help stop it.