been there
Mental Health Break
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Hang in there bro. I like your posts and although I have never met you, you seem like a good guy. Hope you can enjoy chess later in life
Hey bro.
You wrote that you want to enjoy the game again, win or lose, peak or tilt.
But then you wrote that “the fight is just gone from me and my time would probably be better invested in improving and saving my mental health, than obsessing over some worthless number that doesn't define me in any sense.”
The first approach (enjoying) is in my view the best, the second is a risky one as you don’t control the outcome (your rating) and that can seriously affect you.
I know that this is a lot easier said than done as I (and probably a lot of players) have the same problem 😊
When I have these situations, I try to focus on activities where you can control the outcome. That could be doing something totally different form chess but that could also be something chess related. If you’re not ready to compete, then you can study chess or maybe play unrated games for fun, to give you some examples.
Stay strong.
Still here for ya, boss. Take care of yourself!
Take small steps my friend.
Sporegasm wrote:
It's nice to know there are others that struggle with some major demons off, but especially on, the chess board. I feel I can relate in major ways.
This was a game I just had yesterday...skip to the end if you wish to see just how much i hate myself.
Highlight: Rough Stuff - 95% of all my losses end like this - Twitch
I began recording on twitch and making youtube videos in pure hopes that it would help clean up my chess. Instead, now it's just a medium for me to embarrass myself with self hatred and chess tilt. lol
I call chess the magnify glass. I feel it enlarges, exposes and highlights all my failures, shortcomings, flaws, etc.
But when reflected upon, at the end of the day, the core of my problems with the game and myself is the heavy weight I put on the pursuit of improvement. I logically understand that improvement isn't always going to be linear. But over a long enough time period, it *should* be steady, even if it's small improvement. And when I don't see that happen...and worse, I see possible regression, I fall apart in bad ways inside.
Then you mix my stubborn nature into it and it gets even more volatile. I refuse to give up. The more I fail, the more effort and time I want to pour in to counter act my crappiness. But the more effort and time I put in, the more importance I put on having my effort rewarded. More time and effort creates more weight. The more weight, the more it destroys me when I screw up or regress. It's a nasty snowball effect. If i give up, I'm a quitter. If I don't give up, I hurt myself more and more... verbally(and sometimes physically. I've broken my knuckles more times than I can count lol). It now feels like a lose lose situation.
With more reflection, I realize that I rarely celebrate my wins and successes. And the losses and mistakes carry IMMENSE weight and importance.
And when a person has reached this level of a toxic relationship with themselves and the game, there is no OFF button. You can't just "talk it away" or "reason it away"(which is why most people's generic advice "it's just a game. take a breath" is garbage and not helpful).
The only thing that can help is a literal OFF button...as in, don't play anymore. Don't look at it anymore. Break the cycle. Put it down. Take a LONG break. And when you are thinking about a return, you need to come back to the game with a completely different approach. Somehow, you have to approach the game so that it's not through the lens of improvement only. Or to understand...for some people, it's going to be 3 months forward, 1 year back kinda thing. I've talked to some titled players that say they were stuck or regressing for 5 years.
I know I've been rambling, but just my 2 cents. My best advice(that I can't take for myself ), is that a long break will do you well I think. Try to come back to the game, if you come back, with less weight and importance on improvement. Celebrate your successes. Don't saturate yourself in daily study and games. Take breaks. mix it up. Put it down before you reach maximum burnout and tilt. Be kind to yourself.
That was a very deep and nice feedback. Thanks for opening up.
To everyone, let me share something I read somewhere else that really resonated with me.
There’s NO “destination happiness” when it comes to improving.
Even if you get to a desired rating, you will most likely want something else quickly afterwards.
This in a way reinforces the idea that enjoying the game or maybe moving to different goals (such as changing the time control) or roles must be there to sustain your love for the game.
In my case, I used to play over the board (classical) regularly before the pandemic. Then I started playing back occasionally and it’s going downhill for years. It is really painful to accept it, since I am in my 40s so I might never get back to that level (I peaked 2261 over the board), considering that I also cannot dedicate that much time to play over the board, at least in the next years.
But focusing on other things, like creating lessons or playing online (I recently hit a record of 2500) has helped.
Aug 1, 2024
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#8
Sporegasm wrote:
It's nice to know there are others that struggle with some major demons off, but especially on, the chess board. I feel I can relate in major ways.
This was a game I just had yesterday...skip to the end if you wish to see just how much i hate myself.
Highlight: Rough Stuff - 95% of all my losses end like this - Twitch
I just watched the end of your stream. It was a joy to watch, because your experience is so relatable. Everyone on here has similar experiences and it's nice to see it happens to all of us.
As frustrating as it is to lose a game like this, this single game won't matter in the long run. There's nothing structurally wrong with the way you play. You didn't lose because you were outplayed or because a lack of skills. If you play the same way against the same opponents, just with a fraction more focus and attention, you'll do fine.
Sometimes we all need a break.
you can keep your hand in without competing. For example,
1. pick a player and go through their games. Akiba Rubinstein, Rudolph Spielman, Sultan Khan, Aron Nimzovich, etc. I enjoy going through a “lesser” player’s games every so often.
2. pick a great tournament from the past and play through all the games. Hastings 1895, New York 1924, Zurich 1952, Piatagorsky Cup. This gives you an appreciation of the period and the great players from the era.
3. Check out the chess puzzles of Sam Loyd or Raymond Smullyan. They are very entertaining.
4. volunteer at a local school or park. Teach kids how to play. You don’t have to be a master to introduce a kid to chess.
Good luck.
Sporegasm wrote:
I want to "refute" your compliments but I know that isn't healthy or good for me. I will just say thank you for your kind words
@Sporegasm
Saw your vid and for what it's worth, I think you're awesome brother. Could totally relate to that crushing feeling and the self-deprecation that follows. Don't give up. You're just a couple hundred points from that big goal and just a few more exciting and essential learning opportunities to get through to get there. You got this brother.
And to everyone who took the time to make thoughtful responses to my post, Thank you! You're all awesome and I appreciate everyone of you.
Aug 2, 2024
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#11
Valuing your mental health is more important. Chess has been here for literally hundreds of years and it will probably be around for the rest of your lifetime. Never feel bad about taking a break and valuing yourself 
Aug 2, 2024
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#12
Take care of you.
Remember that there is no right way to “chess”. You can engage in chess in any way you choose, no way is better than any other. Games. Correspondence. Puzzles. Studies. Openings. Game collection books. Gotham YouTube videos.
It’s only a game. It’s not you. Chess doesn’t reflect your value.
Go well. Best wishes.
Aug 2, 2024
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#13
So sorry to see you are going through these struggles, I completely relate to it. Chess is indeed something of a minefield re: self-esteem and positivity. Losing games can bring about feelings of failure, which can lead to tilting and a further decline in rating.
I have found it useful to consider the difference between 'process' and 'product' (these terms are also applied to crafts, sports, art practice etc)
If I concentrate on 'product' I focus on achieving a certain rating (I don't seem to be able to break past 1100, at least not for long) and then I have a sense of failure. But if I think of Chess as a process - I enjoy the mental gymnastics, I find study and tutorials interesting and it's much more relaxing and stress free. Another poster commented "Even if you get to a desired rating, you will most likely want something else quickly afterwards" and I completely agree, one's happiness at achieving a rating of 'x' points is quickly replaced with a sense of disappointment at not reaching a rating of 'x+100' points.
I have accepted that I may not make it much past 1100. I'm not going to give up, but my acceptance of my limitations has definitely helped with my enjoyment of the game. Anyway - good luck and hang in there
Hi OP,
Through a complicated and adventurous life, I've experienced and tested many many things, and here is a thing I've find out about chess and life:
There is a strong illusion, especially when you lose games, and too many games, especially in stupid ways, that there would be, somewhere, somehow, a correlation between who you are, what you do, and your results at chess.
Eventually, after thinking over a whole lot, and also after comparing to the times where I was playing better, and/or achieved better results, I've find out that, if the correlation may exist in some cases (you'll have a hard time moving a piece after you lost a hand in a car accident, for an example), that correlation is poor, from not much to an absolute zero.
We tend to try see patterns in almost everything, and as patterns are an important thing in chess, no wonder we fall for that illusion.
But chess is actually a game that does provide a vacation to your mind, from all other issues. It is well known that chess players, while involved in a serious game, will barely notice anything happening around them. Tons of jokes (many exaggerated, of course) have been made about it.
Also, it has been observed in hospitals, that a patient involved in a video game, will tend to forget about their constant ongoing pain(s).
So no. Don't let such lies fool you: you need the holidays, and only must achieve a few good wins in order to forget about the stupid losses, that makes anyone feel bad.
Don't get me wrong, it happens one do tilt, like I've at times, lost 11 games in a row. It's annoying, that's what you should tell yourself, annoying and nothing more, since it happens to just EVERYBODY and has got NOTHING to do with your human or moral value.
I hope this will help you.
Aug 2, 2024
0
#15
Sorry to hear this man. You've gotten a lot of good advice on here, namely, chess must be for fun and an outlet from real life, and not a ratings obsession. Let me know if you'd like to grab a coffee some time!
Aug 2, 2024
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#16
My sincere best wishes for everything, BigFoxy.
Among the various things they have written to you, in particular what @Kaeldorn tells you may be really useful, I think.
Aug 2, 2024
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#18
"He was also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he gets down to the end of his life and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, those were the best years of his life. Because they made him who he was.
All the years he was happy, you know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing".
bobby_max wrote:
You sound like a severely disturbed individual. You need A LOT of help. Chess is the least of your problems. I'd advise you to see a mental health professional if you're not already. Maybe medication would help.
@bobby_max
I believe I clarified in the post that my current mental state is not solely because of chess, but because of many difficult things happening in my life right now. Those things have prevented me from not only enjoying chess but many other things in my life.
I'm aware these issues go beyond chess. That is not lost on me.
CPTsopiens wrote:
Sorry to hear this man. You've gotten a lot of good advice on here, namely, chess must be for fun and an outlet from real life, and not a ratings obsession. Let me know if you'd like to grab a coffee some time!
@CPTsopiens
I'll definitely take you up on that. Ive been turning over the idea of coming to the billings chess club sometime. Either for a tournament or some casual games. Either way, I think I'd benefit from playing more over the board. Just getting back to enjoying the game again, that's what I'd really like to do. With everything going on in my life it's been hard to do.
Feel free to shoot me a message. We'll make that coffee happen. Thanks again, man. 🙏
I've debated making this post for a few weeks, but I feel this issue gets swept under the rug enough and some people may benefit from speaking on the matter as I know I'm not the only one who deals with these issues. Unfortunately in my case, depression, anxiety, bad self-esteem have always been factors in my life. I wish I were a happier guy, but this is my battle in life I suppose. Recently, I made a decision to only play chess when I felt mentally clear, when I felt the fight and the blood lust to slaughter my opponents. I began this process this month. Unfortunately, I've come to realize, it's July 29th, and I've only felt mentally well enough to play 8 out of those 29 days. And the results speak for themselves. I played well recently for the most part, but most of the time I was too depressed and felt no fight in me to play. Truth be told ... This sucks. I love chess. After a horrific recent tilt, I was definitely hating myself, but it never stopped my obsessive thinking about the game. I just could never turn that into excitement in playing the game. My depression has reached a point where it's taken the joy out of everything I love. I don't skateboard, play music, go to the gym. I'm just paralyzed by this giant weight on my back and constant obsessive thoughts that make me think none of it matters. Of course, there are factors in my life that are currently at play. A lot of stressors that I won't waste time trying to name in any order. It's a loooong list. At this point, I'm considering taking time away from chess, even though that thought depresses me further. I just want to enjoy the game again, win or lose, peak or tilt. I'm tired of being unhappy and its getting to a point where my own thoughts and feelings are scaring me.
So I might pop on here from time to time if I'm feeling that killer instinct again. But for now, the fight is just gone from me and my time would probably be better invested in improving and saving my mental health, than obsessing over some worthless number that doesn't define me in any sense.
I really appreciate all the friends I have on here who have stuck with me through the ups and many downs. My frenetic, raging moments of total self-deprecation drove some people away and I understand completely. It's hard to be around a black hole energy and that's absolutely how I've been recently. So it's time to take a step back and take care of me.
To all my friends, I give my appreciation and thanks. 🙏 I will be back soon hopefully. Stronger and ready to continue the journey.
I wish everyone the best and good luck on your journey. 🙏🙏🙏 Best vibes to you and yours.
BigFoxy90