A very clear, informative and concise response, Paul.
Resident Comedians/ Comediennes
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Feb 19, 2009
0
#3
Arty , that will suit you down to the ground seeing as you are always clear, informative and concise! BUT have I had even a sniff of a joke yet? I think not!
NO! I have an idea for a new forum question...
lily, did you follow the link? You'll sniff plenty of chess jokes if you do.
Feb 20, 2009
0
#5
When I was young, I told my parents and everyone else that I wanted to become a comedian. But they all just laughed at me. Well, I showed them. I became one. No-one is laughing now.
Is that one courtesy of Bob Monkhouse, artfizz?
Feb 20, 2009
0
#7
THERE ARE ONLY 4 FUNNY CHESS JOKES ...
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"
"Last night I dreamed that I had died. Naturally I headed for heaven. As I neared the portals, I was hailed by St. Peter, asking who I was. "I am Alekhine!" I hastened to explain. But the statement made no impression. "I am Alekhine, chess champion of the world," I reiterated. "Sorry," said St. Peter, shaking his head. "There's no room in heaven for chessplayers." My spirit was dejected. Before leaving the pearly gates, I took one last look around. Eureka! Whom did I spy? Why none other than my good friend Bolgolyubov. Quickly I drew St. Peter's attention to my rotund crony. "There's Bogolyubov. He's a chessplayer." St. Peter smiled sadly. "He only thinks he's a chessplayer." "
A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
A fellow in deepest darkest russia hears garry kasparov is doing a exihibition .he say to his son"son we must go and see the great kasparov"so the set of on a ten day journey to moscow .Arriving one hour too late they return home .One week later the fellow hears again kasparov is in ST petersburg "son we must go and see the great Kasparov"they set of again on a twelve day journey .arriving only to hear MR Kasparov has left you are too late.They go home.at home the Father hears Kasparov is playing in the next village "son we got to see the great Kasparov" so they set of immediatly through blizzards,snow drifts and lightening arriving at the venue Kasparov is just leaving the stage. The father runs down to the front throws himself on the ground and tells Mr Kasparov the lengths he has gone to see him and pleads"Please,Please Please Mr Kasparov just one song for my son and me "
Two friends see each other on a street corner. One says to the other, "My wife says that is I go to the tournament this Saturday, then she will leave me!"
"What will you do?"
"1. e4, like always."
Two friends were playing correspondance chess. The first one started with e4. After a year he received a letter where it said "e5". He sent a letter with "Nf3" right away. He waited another two years, before he got the responce, "Nf6". At once he responded with "Bb5", but now he had to wait three years for his opponent's move. Finally he got a letter. He opened it, eager to continue the game after such a long break. He read the letter, and it said: "J'adoube".
Mieses was walking down the street one day when he was accidentaly bumped into by a passer by. They both flinched and looked at each other. Recognising Mieses (? I wouldn't have), the other fella smiles and says 'J'adoube'. To which Mieses replied sternly 'It wasn't even your move'.
Two players play an evening game without a clock. The player with white tries to move promptly, but the other takes advantage of his (or her, if you are on the Berkeley Board of Education) unlimited time. The prompt player fiddles around, gets up and stomps about. At one point late into the evening he stomps so hard that he bites his tongue. He sits down, and they continue to play very slowly through the night. Finally he falls asleep, and when he wakes up, the other player is prodding him with a finger. "cxb3. It's your move." He raises his head up off the table and takes a quick glance at the board, now illuminated by sunlight coming through a window. He exclaims angrily: "It's passed pawn!!"
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The Merchant and the Arab
A Spanish merchant traveling a lonely road did business from town to town. One day he came aross an Arab sitting in the middle of the road with a chess board.
Curious, the merchant asked, "Why are sitting here alone playing chess?"
"Oh, I'm not alone," said the Arab.
"But I don't see anyone with you."
"That is, the Arab replied, because I play the great Allah, the One who is everwhere!"
"You have a powerful opponent, then!"
"Yes, but a fair one."
"And is He winning?" asked the merchant.
"It seems so. Can you see how I can avoid being checkmated by His next move? It will mean I cannot play anymore today."
"Why not?" asked the merchant, puzzled.
"I will have lost all my money," replied the Arab.
Stunned and not believing his ears, the merchant said slowly, "You and Allah play chess for money?" He had never ever heard of such a thing.
"Yes. See, here I lose twenty gold pieces."
"But wait, how do you pay Allah?"
"Oh, of course Allah doesn't take the money Himself. He sends some honest holy man who takes it from me amd gives it to the poor. That is the same as giving it to Allah. And, since I have indeed lost, you must be the man Allah has sent today. Here, do Allah's and take these twenty gold pieces."
The merchant, not as honest or holy as he might have been, was delighted.
Weeks later, again traveling that road, the merchant shook his head at the thought of the Arab playing chess with Allah. Suddenly, in the middle of the road was the Arab, sitting alone with his chess board.
"Is Allah winning today?" asked the merchant pulling his wagon up alongside.
"No," replied the Arab, happily. "In fact, in one more move I shall checkmate Him, and win a hundred gold pieces!"
"And however will Allah pay you?"
"Oh, of course Allah doesn't pay me Himself. He sends some honest holy man who will give me what I have won! Today," the Arab finished, you must be the man Allah has sent to pay me one hundred gold pieces."
you never want to play chess with someone from australia, cuz every time they get you in check they'll say check mate, and then there will be this huge fight. NO YOU'RE IN CHECK MATE! NO I'M NOT THATS CHECK! THATS WHAT I SAID MATE!
What's the difference between a funny chess player and bigfoot?
Bigfoot's been sighted.
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Anand?
Anand who?
Ann and Ann and Ann and Ann and I can't stop stuttering.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Smyslov.
Smyslov who?
I said "It's me, love".
(note, you have to pronounce Smyslov like "smee-slov", which is how I've heard it pronounced.)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ivanchuck.
Ivanchuck who?
I van Chuck to come out and play.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Pontoo.
Pontoo who?
Pawn to King's Four.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Nakamura.
Nakamura who?
knock a more and more if you don't let me in.
Did you hear Vlad Putin wants to put Garry Kasparov on trial? Yeah, he says Garry has a checkered past.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Bu.
Bu who?
Hey, don't cry. It's a bad Grandmaster Bu joke.
Two fellows are sitting out the front of a hotel, playing a series of blitz matches for $5 a game plus $50 to the first to win 6 games. After 10 games, the match is tied at 5-5 and in the last match it is down to the final minutes, and one player has a mate in four to be played. A funeral procession then comes down the street and the fellow in the winning position stands up, takes off his hat, and stands respectfully head bowed while it passes.
After it passes, he sits back down, sees that his time has run out and proceeds to hand over the $50 to his opponent. This fellow is quite taken aback and protests that he cannot take the money seeing as he only won because of the most respectful gesture of his opponent.
The man says, "Think nothing of it. It was the least I could do. We were married for 15 years!"
Two GrandMasters were playing the final match. Into the 25th move both masters were really into the board, looking at the pieces. The world was following the game on TV, Internet, Radio, etc. After an hour no piece was moved. Another hour passed by and neither moved. After three ours one Master breaks the silence, and says "Sorry, was it my turn?"
A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His wife is astonished and says "Honey, I don't think we can afford this nice new car on your salary." The passed pawn says "Relax, I'm about to get promoted!"
There's a 16 year-old girl that wants to start dating. She would like to date some guy on the football team, but her father doesn't approve. In fact, her father seems to not approve of anyone that she starts to date. So the girl comes to her father and asks, " Who am I allowed to date?" The father reples, " Someone from the chess club." The puzzled daughter asks, "Why?" The father replies, "Because they take hours to make a move."
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Someone suddenly screams "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up shoots a guy then runs out to see that his horse was fine. Comes back in, orders another drink, a voice says "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up, shoots another guy, runs out but there was no one near his horse and he comes back in. The bartender says "Move the damn horse away from the queen already before this guy shoots us all!" (in my country the knight is called horse :p ).
A pirate is missing a chess piece. He walks into a Toy & Hobby store. He is three sheets to the wind. Trying to be helpful, a store assistant asks him: "Would you like a wooden parrot, sir?"
"Shiver me timbers!", yells the pirate.
"Perhaps you are looking for a new eye-patch then?"
"Damn and blast yer eyes!", shouts the pirate.
The assistant perseveres. "Could it be a game you are wanting?"
"Arrrhh", says the pirate.
"Or even just the parts of a game?"
"Oooohhhhhh", agrees the pirate.
"Well, we need to narrow down the choices. We have hundreds of games."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhh "kkkkeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy", says the pirate.
The assistant hands him a rook and says: "Well if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place!"
A few years ago I met, and was paired with this beautiful Russian budding grand master in the final round of a congress. She had long blond hair and was drop dead gorgeous, and I had been admiring her from afar for days (like you do).
She spoke with that soft, rich but clipped accent they have, slightly masculine in pitch and very dominant if you like that sort of thing - and I do.
Before the game I joked with her, half in truth of course, that if I won the game I would take her out for an evening and I would make love to her all night back at my place. She smiled sweetly and readily agreed knowing full well that Tony Blair would vote conservative before this could come true.
Not to be out done, and I had worked this out after several hours of thought the previous night , I said, " and if you win, you can make love to me". Completely unruffled she agreed, with a whimsical smile, which beguiled and bewitched my steam hammering heart and I thought,"I must be still good looking and still sexually attractive to the opposite sex after all".
So I opend with g4, forgot to castle and blundered my queen away after ten moves pretending that I did not see the discovered check and royal family fork combination with back rank mate to follow.
Believing that a loss was inevitable and my dreams would come true, I would marry her and emigrate back to Russia after the congress, I leaned back, smiling smugly, both hands clasped behind my head in a freudian act of complete submission.
Three moves later she imposed a perpetual check on my king with her vastly superior forces, stood up and walked out of the room without a word or a glance. I never saw her again.
"How do chessplayers exercise"
Answer "By castling long 0-0-0"
A guy gets on a long-distance flight. He's just getting comfortable when somebody sits down next to him. He looks up and wow, it's Garry Kasparov. Kasparov basks for a moment in the recognition. Some way into the flight, the meals are cleared away and Garry produces an elegant little wooden travel chess set. He begins to play. After a while Kasparov asks the guy whether he would like to play chess to kill time. The guy replies, "Hey Garry, You think I don't know who you are? I can't compete with a world champion." Kasparov replies, "'How about if I play left handed?" The guy thinks about this for a minute, then agrees. He is demolished in 8 moves, and is inconsolable for the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend, who asks him how the flight was. "It was terrible," he says. "Completely humiliating. I played chess with Garry Kasparov and he beat me in spite of him playing left-handed!" His friend replies - "Ha! You were swindled! Dude, Garry Kasparov is left-handed!!"
Q. What is the difference between a chess player and a couple on a blind date?
A. The chess player mates then chats......
Q: What is the object of playing a gambit opening?
A: To acquire a reputation of being a dashing player at the cost of losing a game.
Q: Account briefly for the popularity of the Queen Pawn Opening in matches of a serious nature.
A: Laziness.
Q: What is the duty of an umpire where a player willfully upsets the board?
A: Remove the bottle.
Q: What exceptional circumstances will justify the stopping of clocks during a tournament game?
A: Strangling a photographer.
Years ago a Russian friend of mine had been a prisoner in a Russian gulag back in 1972. He said all the prisoners were listening to the world championship match every day over a radio. One day when the match was all tied up the guards discovered the radio and took it from the prisoners so they could listen.
well after about 2 weeks of not knowing what had happened in the Fischer Spassky match, a new prisoner arrived. Everyone immediately asked him what happened in the World Chess Championship Match and he said. " I lost."
Feb 20, 2009
0
#8
Did you tell enough jokes there Arty? I thought you only had four : ^ )
What does "J'adoube", mean?
Feb 20, 2009
0
#9
lilybetrice wrote:
Did you tell enough jokes there Arty? I thought you only had four : ^ )
These are not MY jokes (one of them is). I asserted there were only 4 FUNNY chess jokes.
lilybetrice wrote:
What does "J'adoube", mean?
Look for the answer here ... http://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/cool-chess-terms
but find the answer here ... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chess_terminology
Adjust or j'adoube
- To adjust the position of a piece on its square without being required to move it. Adjustment can only be done when it is the player's move and the adjustment is preceded by saying "I adjust" or "j'adoube".
Feb 21, 2009
0
#10
paul211 wrote:
artfizz wrote:
When I was young, I told my parents and everyone else that I wanted to become a comedian. But they all just laughed at me. Well, I showed them. I became one. No-one is laughing now.
What play have you performed in ?
A Midsummer Night's Dream.
"Did you see my Bottom at Stratford-upon-Avon? Many people consider it my best part."
Is there such a thing as "Chess jokes" (I don't mean really bad players thank you very much)
If so, would you share them with the rest of us please?