Fear of Games with Others

I'm not sure how to put this, so I'll just come right out and say it.  I have a real fear of joining a game with someone else because of my play.  Sounds stupid doesn't it?  Here's the background, and I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I consider myself an advanced beginner when it comes to this game.  I started playing chess when I was 8  years old, but that was nothing more than knowing the movement of the pieces and a vague understanding of the game.  I was taught by a teenager who only knew the exact same thing, so we'd play and nothing ever was accomplished in those matches.  Growing up, my stepmother would play with me from time to time, but she wasn't a chess player by any means, and no one else in my circle of family or friends played.  I didn't even own a chess board until I was in college, and even then I could not find anyone to play.  Now I find myself with the world at my fingertips, thousands of people to play with, and I freeze every time I go to start a game.

I'm fearful of my lack of knowledge when it comes to strategy, and looking like an idiot by making stupid mistakes and not playing well.  I was a collegiate soccer player, so I love the competition aspect of it, but I have such a hard time jumping into a game.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Youre part of a large group of players.  What you are experiencing is not new.  Its called fear, and the only way to combat it is to face it.  Just start playing.  You will soon find its fun, and your fears were unfounded.

you are going to make your most significant improvements when so very deliberately and methodically go over your games after you play them

and your losses are pivotal to this process

someone can correct me but wasnt it kasparov who said something about losing 1000 times before you are ready to get better?

i block all chat functions in game on chess.com and i rarely look at the avatar (and rating) of my opponent- so no one is going to say anything

think of playing the games as just a part of the improvement process

watch masters play online games (on twitch or whatever); they are very humble and quick to suggest they have no idea what they are doing 1/2 the time

and tackle this “fear” thing headon; if you let it it will hinder you a lot

and more experienced players have been in the exact same situation as you so dont feel alone

also- just peeked at a couple of your games and i would strongly recommend (i would recommend anyways) john bartholomew’s “chess fundamentals” and “climbing the ratings ladder” video series on youtube

i still watch these from time to time and it’s been a few years since i started and i still learn new things on them

he plays and discusses thought processes that will help a lot

Great advice!  I will check them out.  

I was going to start this same thread today and chickened out. So you're braver than I, Gunga Din. I do play the computer quite a bit, but I've only played seven games in the three months I've been here. I find the lack of harmony to be too irritating to stand. I think that's what the fear is, not just of not wanting to do something that feels bad, but then wondering why I'm devoting time to a pursuit like that. But I'm certain it's worth it. I've heard that a good way to think about it, if you lose, is that someone else has won. If you see your rating go down, someone else has seen theirs go up. It's even easier to think of it that way online, because if you block chat, there's no way to know if they're taking your rook and saying to themselves, sorry about that bub, or whether they're saying, and thank you for your rook. In the end, I'm more in love with the game than I am with playing it. I prefer to make GIFs and MP4s of old games than actually participating.

I love to play, and I think it's the most beautiful game out there.  Hopefully we can both just learn to appreciate the play regardless of the outcome.  I'm so competitive that I'm certain that is part of the problem.  Just keep plugging along, that's been my motto for a long time.

Don't be afraid to fail over and over again. That is the way of chess improvement. You lose badly but you're gradually getting better. If you feel overwhelmed and do not know how to improve, here are some of my tips:

https://www.chess.com/blog/nklristic/the-beginners-tale-first-steps-to-chess-improvement

Wow. I feel this so much. Already overwhelming

I feel the same way but I try to think of it like so:

• Every loss in a stepping stone to improvement.
• After every loss I go back to the lessons tab and try to learn something new to help me win the next game.
• Know that every wall I come across is a challenge to be defeated, looking forward to the next one.

I play chess since I was a kid and still have that to this day.

If you want to improve and not worry about losing, try spending time doing chess puzzles. You will improve your board vision and learn tactics.

Friend: fear is real, winning and losing are real, learning is real, getting better is real. I read somewhere that the thought of danger is worse than the sight of it. Face it the best you can. Hang in there we all face it, I’m in the same fix. 

For me frustration and anger are real.

Ditto! I understand and have more than my share of both as well. But, we will not let that stop us. Play on!

 

Thank you for saying that. One thing that helps with the anxiety is focusing on the absolute nature of the rules (since that feeling of the shoe always being about to drop can go away a bit in a very stable, predictable environment). You could have your queen all the way over on the other side, with a rook and bishop next to it, and if they're not pointing in your direction, they not only can't take you, they absolutely can't take you, in any scenario. Ever. Not in the next move. Likewise, a pawn may just be a pawn, but if it's in a position to take something, it might as well be the queen. It either can or can't, and if it can, it totally can. And a queen can be sitting next to a knight. But if taking it would mean losing that queen, that move will never happen, unless it's an accident. There are so many verities. Instead of a cloud of possibilities, there's a surprising number of places in every position that are unassailable. It's the thing I like about the game. Everyone seems to have a particular thing they like. In The Queen's Gambit, Beth Harmon was saying that there's only 64 squares, and the rules are the rules, etc. So to her the game meant safety. Mathematicians often say that they're drawn to the fact that 2+2 always equals 4.

I’m currently learning to rethink conflict. A reprogramming of my mind if you will. “Conflict represents an opportunity for growth”. Fear can create conflict in my mind, but I’m not required to react in the same manner as I have in the past. I’m rewriting the rules of fear and conflict that my mind must follow.

I second the comment by Daxypoo about watching John Bartholomew's chess fundimentals tutorials, they are really good.

When you play a live game try playing one with a longer time on it such as 15 or 30 minute games ( or a time that you feel comfortable with ) , that way you don't have the added pressure of a short time limit. This hopefully will give you more time to settle into a game.

Remember, chances are that your opponant is also feeling very nervous too, so you are definately not alone.

I think everyone, including titled players all suffer from some form of nerves at some point in the game. I know I do on every game.

1. Chess is just a game. Take it easy and have fun.
2. The system paires you with people around the same strenght, so you will lose some games and will win others.
3. You can learn from defeats.

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