The point of having 'principles' instead of teaching beginners theory is because as a beginner most if not all of your energy should be spent on middlegames and endgames.
On learning openings

Hey there! For putting your pieces into places that actually provide you a plan, and thus, an opportunity to give you an advantage, this is a easy process I use myself to learn any opening.
How I learn my Openings in Chess
If you have any specific questions, make sure to ask!

I totally understand at this point the importance of getting pieces out. But I'm still clueless at getting them out into places that actually provide anything like an advantage. There have to be some actual principles.
General principles can only get you so far. The subtleties of chess are too much for a one-sentence "principle", as is demonstrated by Tarrasch's famous quote:
"Always put the rook behind the pawn... Except when it's incorrect to do so!"

There are plenty on good youtube videos on openings. Recently there was a video by Nakamura on openings... Pick an opening you want to learn and then do some research...

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Chess Openings Resources for Beginners and Beyond...
https://www.chess.com/blog/RussBell/openings-resources-for-beginners-and-beyond

And yes, you can greatly reduce your chances of winning or flat-out lose the game in the first dozen moves!
This unquestioned arbitrariness seems universal. I’m working on writing something a little more helpful for beginners, and so feel free to message me and we can go through a different process to see if it’s helpful or not. Same for any other beginners reading this.
And no, this isn’t some backhanded offer for charging you or anyone else money for lessons. It’s more to test out some of the ideas about beginner chess that I’m trying to write about.
Here’s an article off this website that’s completely standard opening advice. I don’t think these clichés are very helpful. I’ve listed the principles below.
https://www.chess.com/article/view/the-principles-of-the-opening
Top Ten Rules to the Opening
1, 2, 3: Develop your pieces
4: Don't Move a Piece Twice Before Move 10
5: Don't Bring Your Queen Out Early
6: Get Castled (Before Move 10)
7: Attack (Develop) Towards the Center
8: Connect the Rooks
9: Develop Plans, Not Just Pieces
10: Attack "In the Direction" of Your Pawn(s) Structure
Perhaps I'm just not looking in the right places to learn, but it seems to me that the advice for teaching openings (at least as it tends to appear online) is rather incomplete. The first THREE rules listed in an article right here on chess.com, for example, are all "develop your pieces." This is pretty much the same on other sites I've read.
You see how that's rather useless, yes? I totally understand at this point the importance of getting pieces out. But I'm still clueless at getting them out into places that actually provide anything like an advantage. There have to be some actual principles.