3040. Gunning down your opponent's rooks with toenail trimmings that have been fired from a machine gun that fires toenail trimmings instead of bullets.
2826-4000 Worst Things To Do While Playing Chess
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3041. Saying, "Breaker, breaker; ah, breaker-one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You got a copy on me, PigPen, c'mon? Ah yeah? Fer sher? Fer sher? You got the front door, good buddy? Mercy sakes alive, it looks like we got us a queenvoy!" too much during the game, when your opponent has promoted to eight more queens and when you are a parakeet, not a Rubber Duck(y).
"This here's the Rubber Duck."
3042. Getting on with the general mayhem, when it is June. It's May, ahem...
Indeed, my good sir!
3043. Telling 2 many bird jokes when you are playing the Bird Opening:
- How many parakeets does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A para them keet probably do it...
- How many Piciformes does it take to change a lightbulb?
- I hear that Toucan.
"Ha-ha! That's almost tou much for me tou handle! Can I?"
"That'll be tou dollars, please. Can I put it on your bill?"
"Can I stab you with my bill?"
"Tou-ché! You really bird-en me with your humor..."
How do you get a bird to drop his wings with embarrassment?
Tell him his "fly" is open.
twighead wrote:
Read between the lines!
Line 1
Line 2
Reed between the lines... If you can reed or spiel...
3044. Having one of your knights shot down by a bassoon (solo).
"Bassoona or a-latah, I'll getcha, I'll getcha, I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha,
Bassoona or a-latah, I'll wind ya', I'll wound ya', I'll knocka, knocka, knocka the wind outta ya..."
3045. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I just checkmated myself in three moves!
"What's that, son, you say you have a horn for snail?!"
"Knock, knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Honorarium."
"Honorarium who?"
"Honorarium day, Twighead and the others post on this thread!"
Haha! Funny, yes?
3048.
WOR, BRO! SUBSCRIBE. CEST, BRO! SUBSCRIBE.
ER, BRO! SUBSCRIBE. SHIRE, BRO! SUBSCRIBE.
SAUCE, BRO! SUBSCRIBE. WEEKLY, BRO! SUBSCRIBE.
MAG, BRO! SUBSCRIBE. A, BRO! SUBSCRIBE.
ZINE, BRO! SUBSCRIBE. BRO, SUBSCRIBE.
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER, WHATTA WE GOT, BRO? SUBSCRIBE.
WE GOT WOR-CEST-ER-SHIRE SAUCE WEEKLY MAG-A-ZINE, BRO!
BRO, SUBSCRIBE! WSW MAGAZINE, BRO! SUBSCRIBE.
YO BRO?
SUBSCRIBE.
Trying to sell your opponent a subscription to Worcestershire Sauce Weekly Magazine when it is his turn in the chess game.
3052. Creating and advocating a petition so that for the next upcoming Chess.com Deathmatch the players are to be reassigned to T-Rex (to play green/white) vs. a hairy gorilla (to play black) with the winner to receive, in the case of the former, a year's supply of dino-biscuit pupu platters, or, in the case of the latter, a year's supply of banana pupu platters.
The rules should thus be amended as follows:
1. Players will be allowed to swear at each other, or trash-talk, or make odd comments, such as, "I'm willing to risk it for the biscuit... the dino-biscuit..." or "We all tend to laugh at others discomfort at times: when a T-Rex falls and slips on a banana peel in the chess game, metaphorically-speaking or otherwise, it's very funny!"
2. Arbiters may be eaten if they interfere at all during the game.
3. There will be a special online admittance fee to watch the match: to root for the T-Rex, you must pay one ham, to root for the hairy gorilla, you must pay one bottle of premium Worcestershire Sauce.
4. The player with the green/white pieces is required to eat large chunks of tasty meat, while the player of the black pieces is required to eat vegetables or fruits doused in Worchestershire Sauce while the games are in progress.
Failure to eat while playing will result in a technical foul and two free free throw shots at the opponent's pieces.
5. Both the winning team and the losing team will be required to take ChessPlayinDude47 out for dinner after the match ends. ChessPlayinDude47 will eat ham and onion sandwich with Worcestershire Sauce at dinner, T-Rex will eat Dino-biscuits and any creatures wandering around, and the hairy gorilla will eat bananas and leafy vegetables.
twighead wrote:
3051...... Oh yeahhhhhh.... this is a reaaaaaaaaal chill one
just slide back
and let the grip of your forefathers
drag you deeeeeeeper
and deeeeeeeeeeeeeper
into a chilllllllllllllll
state
of
mind
now.
imagine you're about to play your first move
your hand touches your pawn on the F file
and moves it ever so slowly, and softly
forward once.
forward twice.
F3
first move
Yes, I suppose anything is possible if you just put your mind - your frozen mind - to it - the mind sticks to things like an icecube. So just chill, 'til the next episode. I have an axe, chisel, and an ice-pick back in the chess set tool kit, in case you can't free your mind, just let me know. Your mind would look discombobulated on f3, but now a white pawn on f3, that makes all the difference in the world. They just look at that pawn on f3 and say, "where's he going?" Sure, you leave the room and go have a few blintzes in the bathroom... but you just put one of the beasts on f3 to undermine the pawns and to overmine the pawns. With f3 we've got white pawns - not gonorrhea - but gone 'a' wild! We tell our opponent that we're just gonna buckle down and things are gonna get messy fast. We don't play for cheapos and no one's getting sued. That's the way to go, baby! You've gotta stop the bleeding. A nightmare with dual threats and duel threats. Call me crazy, just don't call me Shirley. You've got just enough juice in the fridge for your second move, and when push comes to shove, just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this topic, sport, aboard this tiny blip. F3 is a move that cannot ever stink worse than my socks and I should know about my socks. Or no. Let me tell you a story, a wonderful story, about my socks, and this is going to make you weep. So this is Good Knight Vienner, as my momma used to spray. There's never a loss in a win with f3, but, do you moisturize, Twighead? ...Rhetorical question is all...
3053. I got some really beeg teams; they carjack cars and pawns. Don't be there when the stuff hits the fan belt.
Contributing to this forum thread instead of focusing on your chess game.
3054. Contributing to this chess game instead of not focusing on your forum thread.
3055. Not contributing to your sewing kit with thread, needles, thimbles, and a voodoo doll while you play chess.
3056.
(Can we get a beet goin' up in this joint? No, how about Okra, then?...)
"Wha?! I got roots? I thought dem was Pumas."
Theze thread-ownerz!? be actin' they be all like the zonerz, the moanerz: they is just the no-mannerz groanerz...
that'z me I gotz too many pagerz in the printer to prodooze mah productive productionz on pinky-panther tonerz,
so I beep I dump the cartridgez to where we gotz no mo 'centive to get to the 4000-worst-thingz-cheese-donorz,
so I be 'cruitin', Gruyere in my hair, my hirsute 'rillaz in her soup gonna be bananaz-Gaddafi-callin' my phonerz,
I mo pill than a chill, still re-'cruitin' my 'rillaz and 'Rexez gonna be outta-da-book-Jack-box-phonin' my stonerz,
so my mediok'okra-loverz the steakz are too high Rex be fly burnz duh beanz for mah meaty fried-liver T-bonerz,
but Rex be chancin' 'em bonerz with sum zesty Worzester saucez cauze snap now he got the forum-bluez sarcomaz,
if life'z the pitz, I is the pitzmazter, if u the doctor, we got spit-more cherry seedz bungled than 47 red limonaz,
Deez nutz ain't no misnomerz even we be no-Countz-with-numberz mist some gramma and no-rhymez numberz,
oh snap, spiel you d-f-blintzez, ya come bath lager-Landin' Coronaz be Icier than Reykzavik for a fewer krónurz.
3057. Blowing out a few lungs, a vocal cord (or chord) or two, and a voice box while "rap-cruiting" and owning your shame instead of focusing on 1. f3.
twighead wrote:
Might is right, dad is wrong, tell poor dad I'd like his bong.
To do what's right, and tell him wrong, I'd like to smell a t-rex thong
to determine dinner, whose the winner? I'd like to lick a chocolate thank you bye and good night!
White on the delight, quite a sight, I see it sounds like having to hear dad bong the gong all knight rong.
To do what's black - chocolates are brown - and tell him white, I'd like to be colorblind and deceive him with all my might. No thanks, though, and to all a good knight (see, you thought I was gonna say 'night' instead of 'knight', right?!).
I'd like to go out and get some black spray paint and smell a t-rex bra, to determine if t-rex would look better black than green, which would have us all in awe that having taken off his bra it would be obscene, like a dark comedy, as far as I can glean!
A Limerick for Lee: A Lemurick?
Dad bonged the gong, Lee, and didn't even spiel things wrongly,
he even used adverbs instead of adjectives which made his good gramer gooder and strongly,
weekly he grew weakly, while monthly he grew weedly,
smoked up the gong with the bong, so to speakly, to get on his freak, Lee,
so he could watch T-Rex wear his thongly, is that so wrongly?
Had a daddy, liked Daffy Duck Dada,
cause mommy made him go to the MOMA,
and my Finnish sissy with her seafood Sisu
buried my bubba who had blown bigger bubbles;
she talked with Tammy and the T-Rex, too many troubles;
called on a hairy gorilla with all that stubble,
Barney Rubble gonna go for that joint-locking seafood juj-eat-su,
eats a dump-filled blintz, goes into a crestfallen coma,
instead gimme a Worcestershire sauce-filled enchilada.
darthion wrote:
da wut
ja, ja, jats da ticket. da teecket! 
3039. Admitting to your opponent, when you are losing the game, in a song, that, "I dunno why I'm feeling so slow, could it be cause I'm suckin' my toe?", which depresses your opponent to the point in which he offers you some of his free toe shavings and free toe jam to help you make a comeback, not so much in the chess game, but in your overall toe maintenance and performance.