Chess Jokes
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Jul 7, 2007
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A man was walking in the park when he came upon another man playing chess with his dog. He declared, " Geez, that's a smart dog you have!" To which the dog owner replied, " Not really, I am ahead three games to one. "
Two chess players had checked into a hotel and where standing in the lobby talking about their recent tounament victories when the hotel manager walked up to them and asked them to leave. "But why?" they asked, "because" he said "I can't stand chess nut's boasting in a open foyer!"
George Carlin once asked, "Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?".
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, "My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she'll take the kids and leave me." The other asks him, "So what are you going to do?" And the other answers, "Same as always, e4."
A guy gets on a long-distance flight. He's just getting comfortable when somebody sits down next to him. He looks up and wow, it's Garry Kasparov. Kasparov basks for a moment in the recognition. Some way into the flight, the meals are cleared away and Garry produces an elegant little wooden travel chess set. He begins to play. After a while Kasparov asks the guy whether he would like to play chess to kill time. The guy replies, "Hey Garry, You think I don't know who you are? I can't compete with a world champion." Kasparov replies, "'How about if I play left handed?" The guy thinks about this for a minute, then agrees. He is demolished in 8 moves, and is inconsolable for the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend, who asks him how the flight was. "It was terrible," he says. "Completely humiliating. I played chess with Garry Kasparov and he beat me in spite of him playing left-handed!" His friend replies - "Ha! You were swindled! Dude, Garry Kasparov is left-handed!!"
hahahaha, the last one was the only one I hadn't heard before. Very funny everyone!
Yes, very good all. Love the Kasparov joke.
A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
what is the name of the only moving castle??
A ROOK..lol
what shows that women have more power over men?
chess...THe queen can move any amount while a king can only move 1 space.
Nimzowitch is famous for his saying "The threat is more powerful/important than execution." This anecdote proves how seriously he meant it:
At some tournament where smoking wasn't allowed, he played a game against GM Vidmar. During the game Vidmar pulled out a cigarete and put it next to the board. Nimzowitch immediatelly protested. The arbiter was a little bit confused and said: "But your opponent isn't smoking."
Nimzowitch: "Of course he isn't, but he is threatening that he will!!"
At some tournament where smoking wasn't allowed, he played a game against GM Vidmar. During the game Vidmar pulled out a cigarete and put it next to the board. Nimzowitch immediatelly protested. The arbiter was a little bit confused and said: "But your opponent isn't smoking."
Nimzowitch: "Of course he isn't, but he is threatening that he will!!"
yes the kasparov joke is good hahahahh
Two chess players were playing a correspondence match, one lived at the north pole, one lived at the south pole. Every 6 months a small piece of paper with the other players' move would be delivered. Now the player at the south pole was eagerly anticipating his opponent's move, for they had just reached a particularly complex position in the Sicilian Najdorf. And at last, one day some dogs arrived bearing the move. He took in a deep breath as he opened up the envelope:
"J'adoube."
That Kasparov joke is GREAT! Love it.
lol what so funny
o0obruceleeo0o wrote:
Q. what do you get when a shark eats a key?
A.lock jaw
Haha funny 
haha, lets hear yours
Here are some of the questions and answers to an examination paper in chess that was given some time ago by Siegbert Tarrasch.
Q: What is the object of playing a gambit opening?
A: To acquire a reputation of being a dashing player at the cost of losing a game.
Q: Account briefly for the popularity of the Queen Pawn Opening in matches of a serious nature.
A: Laziness.
Q: What is the duty of an umpire where a player willfully upsets the board?
A: Remove the bottle.
Q: What exceptional circumstances will justify the stopping of clocks during a tournament game?
A: Strangling a photographer.
And here are some of my favorite chess quotes, enjoy!
Am I not a chess idiot? – Ossip Bernstein
I've really been crushing testicles these last few rounds - Nigel Short
Alekhine, do you prefer the queen on the board or on the bed? – An interviewer
It depends on the position. – Alexander Alekhine
I think I can safely conclude that there is not a lot to be said for playing chess
while on Valium. – Tony Miles
Best play for white against the Sicilian? 1.d4! – Thomas Codispot!
Real life is just a crutch for those too weak to fianchetto a bishop! – Absinthe
Chess is like marriage. You cannot have a mate without a check. – Brian Wood
Any married man will tell you that life is like a game of chess - everything is centered around the queen. – Ilya Katsnelson
Castle, take en passant, promote pawns to minor pieces whenever you can. It helps to create the impression that you have a deep knowledge. – Al Horowitz
The Oedipus variation ... sacrificing the king to win the queen. – Jan Jotun
Three early non-World Champions should be mentioned: Dr. Siegbert Tarrasch, who assimilated the theories of Morphy, Steinitz, and Lasker into one big theory that enabled him to lose his World Championship match; Aaron Nimzowitsch, whose brilliant, eccentric, and original ideas placed him among the average grandmasters of his day; and Richard Reti, who found the theory of letting your opponent mess up his center first, a very useful one. – Dan Heisman
Emmanuel Lasker used psychology to discover that if he made blunders, his opponents would be so overjoyed that they would promptly make bigger ones. However, he could only keep this up for 27 years, and by then his opponents began to get wise. – Dan Heisman
We don't really know how the game was invented, though there are suspicions. As soon as we discover the culprits, we'll let you know. – Bruce Pandolfini
My computer beat me at chess, so I beat it at kickboxing. - Demetri Martin
hehehehheheheheeehhe
This is not funny but interesting I read this in a novel. Jim travels in a ship he comes to know that two grandmasters of equal chess strength are travelling with him on the same ship. He calls everyone and announces that he's goingt to play these grandmasters and atleast draw one of them the sad fact is that he doesn't know how to move the pieces its a bet match everyone is betting on the grandmasters each of these grandmasters play in seperate rooms and our Jim is going to play simuls. With the first grandmaster he takes white and with the other he takes black. After the GM who plays white makes his first move Jim runs to the other room and plays the same move where he plays white.He repeats the process and manages to draw one of them.
Q. What is the difference between a chess player and a couple on a blind date?
A. The chess player mates then chats......
funny?
Q. Why did the rooks go to jail?
A. Battery!
haha, lets hear yours