ha ha ha
Chess Jokes
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You and Charlie Sheen play chess. Who wins?
He does. Actually he wins twice, because he's bi-winning.
You and an Austrailian play chess. Who wins?
He does. He checked your king and said, "Check, mate!"
You and a pacifist play chess. Who wins?
You do. He resigned as soon as he lost his first piece.
I wish Kasparov could have seen that joke. LOL
Which one?
how dose a G.M end up a Russian prisoner....underestimate his opponent! Didn't see enough moves ahead? THought he was playing by accepted chess moves ?
Akuni wrote:
Here are some of the questions and answers to an examination paper in chess that was given some time ago by Siegbert Tarrasch.
Q: What is the object of playing a gambit opening?
A: To acquire a reputation of being a dashing player at the cost of losing a game.
Q: Account briefly for the popularity of the Queen Pawn Opening in matches of a serious nature.
A: Laziness.
Q: What is the duty of an umpire where a player willfully upsets the board?
A: Remove the bottle.
Q: What exceptional circumstances will justify the stopping of clocks during a tournament game?
A: Strangling a photographer.
And here are some of my favorite chess quotes, enjoy!
Am I not a chess idiot? – Ossip Bernstein
I've really been crushing testicles these last few rounds - Nigel Short
Alekhine, do you prefer the queen on the board or on the bed? – An interviewer
It depends on the position. – Alexander Alekhine
I think I can safely conclude that there is not a lot to be said for playing chess
while on Valium. – Tony Miles
Best play for white against the Sicilian? 1.d4! – Thomas Codispot!
Real life is just a crutch for those too weak to fianchetto a bishop! – Absinthe
Chess is like marriage. You cannot have a mate without a check. – Brian Wood
Any married man will tell you that life is like a game of chess - everything is centered around the queen. – Ilya Katsnelson
Castle, take en passant, promote pawns to minor pieces whenever you can. It helps to create the impression that you have a deep knowledge. – Al Horowitz
The Oedipus variation ... sacrificing the king to win the queen. – Jan Jotun
Three early non-World Champions should be mentioned: Dr. Siegbert Tarrasch, who assimilated the theories of Morphy, Steinitz, and Lasker into one big theory that enabled him to lose his World Championship match; Aaron Nimzowitsch, whose brilliant, eccentric, and original ideas placed him among the average grandmasters of his day; and Richard Reti, who found the theory of letting your opponent mess up his center first, a very useful one. – Dan Heisman
Emmanuel Lasker used psychology to discover that if he made blunders, his opponents would be so overjoyed that they would promptly make bigger ones. However, he could only keep this up for 27 years, and by then his opponents began to get wise. – Dan Heisman
We don't really know how the game was invented, though there are suspicions. As soon as we discover the culprits, we'll let you know. – Bruce Pandolfini
My computer beat me at chess, so I beat it at kickboxing. - Demetri Martin
The last one was said by Emo Phillips.
StacyBearden wrote:
That Kasparov joke is GREAT! Love it.
It was terrible.
Jan 9, 2017
0
#49
BygTex wrote:
Yes, very good all. Love the Kasparov joke.
A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
I've heard this one a bunch of times and still don't get it. What's with capablanca and saturday?
Jan 10, 2017
0
#51
ilikewindmills wrote:
It's in heaven, the chess master is making a death threat.
where do you see a death threat
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plz anybody play match with me seriously.👸🐇🐓🐔🐰🍕🍔🍟🍙🍣🍚🍤🍥🍡🍛🍜🍲🍝🍦🍧🍠🍱🍘🍢🍨🍩🍮🍸🍹🍯🍪🎂🍼🍺🍻☕🍰🍫🍵🍴🔪🍶🍬🍷⌛🛀🛁
plz anybody play match with me seriously.👸🐇🐓🐔🐰🍕🍔🍟🍙🍣🍚🍤🍥🍡🍛🍜🍲🍝🍦🍧🍠🍱🍘🍢🍨🍩🍮🍸🍹🍯🍪🎂🍼🍺🍻☕🍰🍫🍵🍴🔪🍶🍬🍷⌛🛀🛁
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reply me
Jan 13, 2017
0
#59
JEDKOHJK wrote:
Bad_Dobby_Fischer wrote:
ilikewindmills wrote:
It's in heaven, the chess master is making a death threat.
where do you see a death threat
Bad_Dobby_Fischer wrote: where do you see a death threat because before the friend plays with capablanca, he has to die and go to heaven.
ooooohhhhhhhh! I thought the master meant that anybody who wants to play capa on Saturday has to have black! thanks for clearing it up!
"So I was having dinner with a chess grandmaster - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
I've created a chess program that mimics human play" said the computer science major. "So it plays at GM level then?" asks the advising professor. "No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!"
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, \"My wife says if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she\'ll take the kids and leave me.\" The other asks him, \"So what are you going to do?\" And the other answers, \"Same as always, e4.\
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting". So we stopped playing chess
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
at 2050 ... doctor asking patient "you ever given a IQ test?-NO,i always stay busy playing at www.chessmaniac.com...but i will give one right now.doctor said no need...patient asked why??? because only iq having lower 20 can register on a chess site now.WHAT THE HECK YOU TALKING ABOUT?HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT??...doctor replied-i was banned from all the chess sites last month,they said i have a vew low iq to play chess.and asked me to come back when i have reached 20.
a perfect draw game=