Epic Chess Battles of History: Fischer vs. Carlsen

BOBBY FISCHER (White) vs. MAGNUS CARLSEN (Black): An Epic Rap Battle

FISCHER:

Hello. My full name is Fischer, Robert James.

I wonder who the "H-file" knows YOUR name!

'Cause chess fans all over the world know I'm where it's at,

But with you they go, "Who the f7 is that?"

You are not even a Russian! You're a lame Norwegian...

On the chessboard, I will kick you in your e4 region!

1. e4 is "best by test", so chess CW (conventional wisdom) says,

But I've progressed oh-so-far beyond the Ruy Lopez.

So prepare your best defenses, because I'll be comin',

Oh, and one more thing: You play chess like a WOMAN!

MAGNUS CARLSEN:

You're...a Grandmaster. True,

But I was seen on 60 Minutes! Um--uh--were you?

Sure, you play ten boards simultaneously,

But I'm better than you, 'cause I faced the other way!

What happened, bearded man? Why you're spewing your hate?

Oh, I just watched your latest movie. It was not first-rate.

I am going to play c5 to your e4 game,

Because the Sicilian is not......lame. 

Don't you know that I rule in chess? You see,

You could beat the Boris Spassky, but you can't beat me!

And don't diss Norway. It has nice fjords,

Just...shut up...and keep your mind on the board!

BOBBY FISCHER:

We are finishing the opening. Your bells I'm ring-ing.

The only long word you can say is Sche-ve-nin-gen!

Here! 6. g4. That's the Keres Attack,

And it's highly, highly lethal if you play as Black. 

Now I see you staring at the board just like a Buddha.

Your only awesome trait is that you're not a Ju--dah. 

How, by Euwe, can you boast that you inspire fear

When you look just like Wayne Arnold from "The Wonder Years"?

You can barely talk in interviews, though you are dorky,

And I hope you go insane, just like Paul freaking Morphy!

MAGNUS CARLSEN:

I...am aware of this.

You...are no good at chess. 

I calculate the moves fifteen levels deep

In my bed at night, while you are still counting sheep.

(Stares intently) Even my silences say

That you do not have a f***ing clue what I will play.

I'm the future of chess. You are dead and gone.

Eventually, I'll win more games than you have ever won!

The Fritz and the Rybka...they're my best friends,

Too bad you were not born when there were chess engines.

I...never resign. I'll just walk away

Just like with Mrs. Kosteniuk in that blitz game. 

So, sorry, Bobby Fischer, but it's far too late

For you to avoid...uh...(Loses train of thought, or at least his vocabulary) 

END

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT! YOU DECIDE! (EPIC CHESS RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY)

I really doubt he knows how to pronounce Scheveningen.