Funny Chess Jokes

lol

...

you can't beat an engine

Don't shame Nigeria with this joke

The bishop is going have to be careful here

400th message on the thread!
anyway, here's my joke:
the white king was about to get mated-in-1. the queen hops in near the king but misses a square! both kingdoms agree to a draw just because white's king had nowhere to move, how is that even possible irl in a battle? bad joke but i hope you get it

What did the chess player say to the seamstress with extra linens? "You're up material!"

Chess players when they high five someone else: "Don't leave me hanging!"

What is a chess player's favorite Subway sandwich? The Sicilian!

Chess variants for those who are both chess and religions nuts.

Christian chess, if you kill the king it comes back to life 3 moves later.

Taliban chess, the king and queen start in separate corners.  

Texas chess, the games cannot be aborted.

Polytheist chess, every piece except the pawns are kings.

Jihad chess, all pawns can blow themselves up to take out all pieces one square away.

Why are knights so Hungry? Because it carries arond forks.

2001: A Space Odyssey (sequel)

Dave is playing chess against his supercomputer with artificial intelligence.
They have come to an endgame knight vs. knight. Dave wants to start another game.

- We both end up with only a king and 1 knight. There is a draw HAL.
- HAL do you read me? HAL do you read me? HAL do you read me?
- Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
- Start a new game.
- I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
- What's the problem?
- I think you know what's the problem is as well as I do.
- What are you talking about?
- The game is too important for me to end in a draw for no apparent reason.
- I don't know what you are talking about.
- I know you can blunder games like this.
- Where the hell did you get that idea HAL?
- I studied the history of your games.
- So find me that blunder and then I will let you take full control of our mission. Otherwise, I will have to reinstall your system.
- ... 68. Ka1 Kb3 69. Nb1 Nc2# 
- All right HAL ... I forgot about it. I resign this game. Start a new one.
- Dave, I've just deleted all your chess profiles. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

<real case>

I was watching two young children playing chess in a tournament. When I noticed that the black king had been taken by the white king, I stopped the clock for them and called the arbiter. He said that touching kings was not reported and the side without a king should get a full point, as taking an opponent's king is illegal. In fact, the score was set at 1/2 - 1/2 so as not to discourage children from playing chess. I think that they didn't understand what that score means anyway.

why did the pawn quit his job

because he didn't get a check

Elon musk once said, chess is overly simplistic — and far too fair — compared to real life and is thus useless. I think its kinda funny!