Chess and Self Loathing.

I am well in the middle of a downwards spiral. Anyone can see that I have lost 200 rating points in blitz in the last week or so; even worse is the quality of play. I feel like I am well read and studious and I have well and truly clocked 10,000 hours (whoever said that was the magic number is incorrect). I have very decent opening and ending theoretical knowledge and have done thousands of tactical problems and have solved repeatedly all the mate in 2's and 3's in polgar's giant book in order to build a giant database of patterns in my head.

 

Yet I repeatedly lose in the most absurd ways. I turned to blitz for training due to OTB losses in time and horrific single move blunders, and I had been improving in blitz, but the same problems plague me. Every loss is like a knife in my brain . All those countless hours, books, positions. And I can't even win a position a piece up (or however I embarrassingly lost).

 

I recently took a break from chess after dropping out of the third round of the Australian open, in which I drew the first round against a 2100ish player then had a completely winning position in the 2nd round against a 2300 rated player after a pretty rook sacrifice which I even contrived to lose. By the third round I was a shell of the man I started out on round 2, and I actually broke out in shingles from the stress of it, forcing me off work for several weeks. I thought if I took a break I could receive some of this stress (I couldn't play anyway, didn't want to transmit anything to other people) and I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself in the lead up to this event.

 

But now I am back playing a bit again and the same feelings arise when I lose like this. What was I thinking, why didn't I see that, how could I be so stupid, etc. Every loss makes me angry but not at my opponent. I have even after long losing streaks had thought of suicide. Am I the only one who feels this way? If I give the game away I will be equally depressed for investing so much time into something I am no longer able to do. I don't know how to stop hating my self after every loss, and it only leads to more bad chess. I have had games that I've lost from winning positions that have made me think terrible things. If it were a rare occurrence I could probably handle it better. Maybe I am just doomed to choke perpetually.

 

I am probably just inviting trolls but does a simple game of chess with no stakes affect other people this strongly? Does your entire self worth hinge on a blunder?

You should pick up smoking. After a very bad loss go outside and smoke the stress away. It's better then getting shingles! But seriously I just lost about 80 rating points in blitz the other day when I went on tilt. Clear your mind, there's clearly some sort of block preventing you from excelling like you should.

lol when i played club chess i went out mid game for a smoke and lost 5mins on my clock...wasnt defeated in the league then...mind you i was the clubs board 4/6 lol

to be honest...this self loathing is spot on...i am nowhere near your level but at my last otb tourney i lost agaist a 2000+ player 1st round...expected...2nd i beat a non rated player...also expected...then i drew a 1600...200 points higher hich was nice...afer that i lost to a 1200 and a 1300...being much better in both games i hot quite pissed (excuse the language lol)...didnt even help set up the board...this makes me think...12 years ago i crushed fellow 1400s and even a 1700 (i know im weak)...cant give up chess for good though...its something ive known since i was 6 lol

Guess what, finally another self loathing post and no sound advice whatsoever from anyone, not that I have one anyway (that smoking advice is of course dangerous). No one cares. No one wishes to care. We need more chess players to commit suicide so that people finally give a damn about them.

Actually 2 years on and one breakdown later I've found that I had serious unaddressed depression and anxiety and after nearly 12 months with a psychologist and a psychiatrist I won my first ever chess tournament, only losing half a point on the first round due to taking a bye. My relationship to chess was a symptom of a much deeper problem, and getting help finally allowed me to develop tools and skills needed to cope with things like the stress and pressure of playing chess, along with many other facets of my daily life.

 

If anyone relates to my original post I would seriously recommend seeking help either through your national help line or your GP (and not taking up smoking lol). You don't need to feel like this, there is another way.

I feel like that all the time when I lose at chess. I’m getting help from a therapist for my anxiety and depression (only been 3 months) but so far I still have all the same problems. I just want to be able to enjoy the game win or lose. It’s unfortunate that I have to quit or take long breaks every now and again because playing poorly for stretches literally makes me suicidal. I know I shouldn’t feel that way when I lose and that just makes me hate myself all the more. “It’s only a game.” Heard that a million times but it’s never been true for me since childhood and I have no idea why. Makes me hate myself even more that I can’t just get over losses like a normal person.

I’m curious, because it seemed like it actually helped your chess game rather than just helping to get over losses. What happened first, were you able to deal with losses better after addressing your anxiety/depression and so could practice more often or did getting rid of anxiety/depression improve your focus and so you were just immediately better at chess? Do you still get suicidal when you lose or have you managed to completely eliminate that mind set? That would be such a relief.

Chess is just one of many passions but anxiety/depression ruins the joy in all of them. I can’t truly enjoy anything in life because no matter what these same feelings come back one way or another. If anyone feels the same way you aren’t alone. Try to get some help to better understand your brain and your life so we can learn more about what exactly causes us to feel this way.

You turned to blitz for training? I can't count how many times this has been said, but... use longer time controls, blitz digs in blunders,

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/blocksite-block-websites

stop playing online chess.   it's mentally and spiritually toxic, for so many reasons.
find a club in your area.

simple fix.

The site scammed me into paying for a year when I was trying to pay for a month, and then wouldn't fix it.   Otherwise I'd already be gone.   May just eat the loss.

Absolutely not. This is terrible advice. I understand how it feels to think suicidal thoughts over chess but do NOT resort to smoking. Trading one problem in for another will not help.

Maybe you should move to Iceland and take up smoking. Just a joke. Seriously, I wish you all the luck in the world with your endeavors. This game would seem to exacerbate / amplify many aspects of life.

Hey, just wanted to write here saying that it sounds like it has been a tough journey, and I'm happy for you that you have come out in a better place at the other side of it. Yes your suggestion is so valuable for anyone who relates and I am glad you discovered the root of the problem (yes, much better than turning to unhealthy behaviors). Wish you the best in your chess journey and beyond

(I know this post is several years old so I'll just say I hope that you are continuing to do better in chess and elsewhere!)

Oh come on. First world problems.

@Sigognac

Sad that a lot of work still needs to be done to overcome the lack of information and misunderstanding surrounding mental health issues. It's not that the problem itself is overwhelming for its own sake (necessarily) but that the brain does not process it in a normal way which is a very difficult thing for people to go through.

It's not a first world thing. I come from an Asian immigrant family and back in the days where my motherland was quite poor and disturbed by political events I had a relative who struggled with mental health due to academic pressures. There are a lot of factors, not just circumstantial but also physical, genetic, etc.

I hope there continues to be progress made on overcoming the mental health stigma and misinformation in society. Best wishes to OP again!