Thank you for all your feedback

im 30 and im the same boat pretty much except i have no social life at all i never really had much of one, i used to play a game with one friend back in high school, wed play uncharted online. I don't really know what to say improving takes time and passion i guess. When i hit 1500, it took me 4 years, i joined back when covid started and my rating is arse about 1200 and i never really play as much. When i started sometimes id play 60 games in a day (rapid) after i switched to 15|10 i stopped playing so much but i played enough to get 1500 after that i tilted 250 and stopped caring

Nice wall of text. Maybe you should try a different game. I hear Pickleball is a lot of fun. Or maybe you don't have the constitution for competitive games. Some therapy might be a good idea at this point. Self care is very important. Meditation might help too.

I didn't read all your post. If you want me to, I will do so. However, I didn't read it all because I could tell from the first two sentences that it is not chess that's making you feel like that. It's coming from somewhere else.

If you're relying on being able to play chess well, to combat feelings of inadequacy which strike many people at some point in their lives, then you're relying on something that you have less control over WHEN you're feeling inadequate. Instead, concentrate more on getting physically fit. Much more important and many people make the mistake of ignoring it. They end up being unhealthier than they should be and not living as long as they should.

I am not the type of person to vent but I feel so empty . A bit of backstory I started chess a few months ago like 3 and almost 3 and a half months I hear people already being 1500 in 3 months very sad but I don't compare my progress to others. Well I come home from school go to my room and work and study chess. Though truth be told chess just makes me upset it makes me sad and angry the thing I think about all the time I ain't even that good and to be honest I haven't really put as much effort into improving I procrastinate all the times I am so sick of it my mom is the light of my life but my chess goals are blocking the light I stay in my room and chess not totally all day but most of my day I am writing this because I don't know what to do should I stop playing chess or no I most likely won't because my goals make me so exhilarated I can't stop thinking about hitting my goals.... but chess is such a lonely game. I have friends but I kind of stopped talking them to play chess and I even stop playing a lot of games because I am scared of losing rating so I am doing all this studying and not as much playing also I learned an opening I like it but I suck at it I hear that you shouldn't learn openings until a certain level though that sounds like a good idea but everyone at my level I see is always is winning in the opening and getting some good position while me over here trying to play the move in which I think is best just ends up to suck and I am losing I am sticking to principles I know tactics I mean I have spent a lot of time doing chess puzzles also. I think I am just angry because lack of improvement but this emotional connection I have to this game is ruining my life I feel like all I focus on is chess and that is taking away from what really matters. Though at the same time I have nothing better to do with my life no hobbies interest me nothing in life honestly interests me not even video games the only thing that somewhat does is my phone which isn't even a good hobby to have actually I even hate the idea of being on my phone because it makes me feel lazy. So I am here with absolutely no hobbies or interests and I am feeling so directionless and empty inside. I enjoy playing chess in real life a lot I mean a lot the chess atmosphere makes me happy but the thing is chess club where I live (there is only 1) is only on the 1st and 3rd Saturday of the month and Saturdays are busy for me and most people so sometimes I don't even get to go I have probably gone like 2-3 times, and another thing one time when I went, and also to say that this chess club is at my local library, well I went to my local library and instead of playing chess with others I just spent it sitting alone in the library because no one showed up. Even thinking about the chess atmosphere right now makes me feel like I want to play chess I try and think of the positives in chess but its hard because the truth is playing chess online is nothing like the real thing. Today after dinner I came to my room and started to play chess, I played 2 games, the problem with those games was my confidence as soon as I was losing in the beginning I was feeling just so upset and empty I didn't have the will to continue. Another thing is in my second game I drew by repetition what should of been a winning king and pawn endgame because of my lack of endgame knowledge. Now I am sitting here contemplating everything I don't know what to do with my life I feel so empty writing this, I want to continue chess but it seems like it isn't worth it also I want to be good I hear the younger you start the better you will be in the future so I don't want to stop playing get back into it when I am older and be like "I could have probably been a lot better". The sad reality is I feel stuck, empty, and sad. I don't want to quit but I just feel so empty sitting here all alone as my mom is sitting out in the living room just watching TV alone I always hear that a happy life is made with happy relationships but it seems as if I am ruining those relationships now with my friends all they want to do is play video games, and I don't enjoy video games I just feel so so stuck I hate the situation I am in. I probably will keep going but some honesty to shed some light on this situation will help I just want to feel how I felt when I first started playing chess happy and not caring so much about if I won or lost."

My writing:

My friend, I know what you feel, because I felt it too. I checked your rating. I believe it is around rapid 1200. The thing is, 1000-1300 is one of the hardest filtering ranges to get past on chess.com. I hit my first frustrating plateau at 1000. It was an up down game. You are doing incredibly well for starting 3 months prior. I started over a year ago, have played around 1815 games on chess.com, played in a few tournaments, and yet, my rating is not more than 1570 rapid. My coach says I am around fide 1300 strength, but he isn't a paid one, and I think he's saying is to improve my confidence.

About age, its sadly true. I am only 15, and I will assume that you are a grown adult. Let me tell you, I also won't get any better than CM level at most, if I study and practice. My friends regard me as a chess genius because I play chess otb at a much higher elo than my online rating.

Do you what I did when things got too frustrating? I stopped. I took breaks. A few days at a time, I refreshed and came back. I won some games, lost some. Its also important not to have elo insecurity. I started playing on lichess for this reason and my lichess rapid is about 1750-1800.

It is important to know that obsessing over chess in a way that is mentally exhausts you can and will hamper your mental health. I have played in a classical chess tournament in the UAE and I know what kind of stress comes along with it. Do physical exercise, it is more rewarding than you think.

Firstly, acknowledge that you are human and that you will make errors. Secondly, acknowledge that your confidence as of now, is very low. I started winning tournaments when I improved my confidence, it sure took some help. I have struggled with confidence and introversion issues, I have always been outcasted and bullied, both among school and elsewhere. I also come from a rather monetarily disadvantaged family. Due to all this, my confidence level is lower than my IQ (which is an achievement). But you see what I did there. A self deprecating joke. I have also suffered from racism.

Why I am outlining all this is so you will understand that if you come from a rather disadvantaged background, it is only natural to 1) have low confidence and 2) be jealous of the people around you. It made me sad for a long time, a very long time. But then, I also had the advantages of being a person with a rather high IQ and very hardworking. For some days, I played chess for seven hours. So I worked and at around the level of 1000, I became burnt out, both in school and chess.

You see, mentally I was already not doing very well at that time, as I was under immense academic pressure and had medium level GERD and other issues. Nobody understood me, mocked me, nobody took what I was going through seriously. On top of this, my chess frustration added to this. In short, I was suffering from burnout, big time.

As in social interaction too, I was disadvantaged. I was always an introverted person, and till recently, I had like no friends. And now the friends I have treat me terribly, except for a couple very loyal friends whom I love dearly. The friends I have now don't want me as a friend, and I find myself often times clinging on to people, being annoying and a general nuisance. Well, let's just say that chess made social interaction a bit better for me, because some of my classmates joined chess and we had like a close group of people who just minded their own thing, cubing or playing chess. Chess was great for me socially, as now I knew people from my district who also fell in love with this game, a beautiful one, yet so equally brutal.

My advice would be to stop for a while. Take a break, reconnect with your loving mom, your friends. Stop studying, especially openings. You don't need them except for basic King and Pawn and some Rook endgames. You are going to experience burnout, you have limitations and disadvantages. Also, never ever ever make the mistake of comparing yourself to others. My confidence took a huge hit because of this. It seems to me that you are highly gifted and hardworking, considering that you managed to reach 1200 within three whole months.

When you feel well, start slowly and continue. Chess is a marathon, not a sprint. Even the calmest of people experience internal turmoil when coming into chess, it is at once among the most brutal of games on this planet. I would call it a sport because of just how excruciatingly mentally and physically demanding it can get. I used to just go home and drop dead after a few classical rounds that were not even long. Speed bumps will occur, mistakes will happen.

And lastly, accept that some people are simply smarter, richer, better. I have trouble accepting this myself. The inequalities that I had to come across glare at me even today. Monetarily, my parents suffered a lot and consequently, inevitably, us. The people I surround with are all doing quite well financially, and till very recently, before things improved, I had some serious disadvantages and missed out on a lot of enriching activities that childhood had to offer. That being said, there are millions that would dream of my life. Intelligence was never an insecurity for me, but financial and social factors certainly were.

Now, you might be wondering why I turned this into a rant of my own, deviating from chess. It is because, if you find yourself in my shoes, please know that you are not alone. This is a very hard game we are playing, and we have to acknowledge that.

I hope you can recover and avoid burnout.

A wannabe sick 15 yr old,

-- Ahmed Aboobacker