Chess Jokes - Chess Forums - Page 4

artfizz

Jan 14, 2009

0

#61

Keyif wrote:

gabrielconroy wrote:

"But I never heard that chess was solved. What did you do? What happened?" his friend asked.

"Why we killed him, of course."

This joke is based on a French short story called "Nineteen Moves" I have yet to track it down but if I ever do you will see it posted.

"Mate in Nineteen" by Vincent Fotre - summarised here http://shimer-college.sharepoint.apptix.net/digital_library/Senior%20Theses/Kutin,%20Brian.PDF

Mainline_Novelty

Jan 14, 2009

0

#62

artfizz wrote:

Costin posted this joke a year ago:

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Someone suddenly screams "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up shoots a guy then runs out to see that his horse was fine. Comes back in, orders another drink, a voice says "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up, shoots another guy, runs out but there was no one near his horse and he comes back in. The bartender says "Move the damn horse away from the queen already before this guy shoots us all!" (in my country the knight is called horse :p ).

lol!

Keyif

Jan 14, 2009

0

#63

artfizz wrote:

Keyif wrote:

gabrielconroy wrote:

"But I never heard that chess was solved. What did you do? What happened?" his friend asked.

"Why we killed him, of course."

This joke is based on a French short story called "Nineteen Moves" I have yet to track it down but if I ever do you will see it posted.

"Mate in Nineteen" by Vincent Fotre - summarised here http://shimer-college.sharepoint.apptix.net/digital_library/Senior%20Theses/Kutin,%20Brian.PDF

Very interesting. Now if I can find Mr Kutin or at least his source.

Keyif

Jan 14, 2009

0

#64

Ok todays joke is a comic I saw. It still deals with the play on the "Pawn"

text reads "How many ya got?"

artfizz

Jan 14, 2009

0

#65

Mate in Nineteen

by Vincent Fotre

Ignoring the persistent, musical tinkling of the doorbell, Monsieur Bonnet carefully studied the position of the huge chessmen which were arrayed over the vast marble table. Very deliberately, he moved one of the pawns up two squares and stared frowningly for several moments at the result. Then he hurriedly returned all the pieces to their original squares so that the board appeared undisturbed and ready for play. After taking a few more seconds to smooth the ends of his waxed, carefully trimmed moustache, he slid back his chair and moved toward the door.

The man outside stepped gratefully into the warm, comfortable room, bringing with him a breath of icy cold air. He was slight and round-shouldered, somewhat shorter than M. Bonnet, and his rough clothes and hard, calloused hands stamped him as a member of the laboring class. He stood unnaturally still, awkwardly fingering the fringes of his woolen cap.

M. Bonnet took the man's coat and offered him a glass of sherry which was nervously refused. Shrugging, the host settled back in the deep chair next at the chess table and regarded his visitor thoughtfully.

"From your letter, M. Renior, it is plain that you are a chessplayer, but it is also obvious that this is not your main occupation."

"Indeed no, monsieur," the man stammered. His hoarse, rasping voice echoed strangely in the tiny room. "I am a cobbler by trade. I play chess at night, sometimes, with my wife and young son. Never, monsieur, have I so much as read a book about the game. I am all too painfully aware of my ignorance, yet this opening I have discovered---"

He stopped, groping for words.

M. Bonnet lit his pipe and carelessly blew a wide, circular smoke ring which spiraled slowly toward the ceiling.

"I think I understand, M. Renoir," he said easily. "Under the rather amazing circumstances, you felt that you should come to me because I am generally recognized as our nation's leading player. Unfortunately---" M. Bonnet paused to flick a tiny grey ash off the collar of his silk lounging robe---"I have found time to give your notes only a most casual perusal. As a matter of fact I had just sat down with the intention of going over them more thoroughly when you rang the doorbell."

With a sweep of his hand, he indicated the freshly arranged chess table.

"Now let me see if I understand your claim correctly," he continued. "The basis of your most extraordinary idea is that, given the White pieces, you can force a checkmate inside of twenty moves regardless of what moves your opponent may make. In other words, no defense by Black will prevail against the attack you have devised. That, I believe, is the essence of your theory?"

M. Renoir rubbed his rough hands together nervously. He was clearly both awed and embarrassed in the presence of the master.

"Yes, monsieur."

Lifting one hand to his face to hind a delicate cough, M. Bonnet picked up a piece of paper that lay on the chess table.

"In your letter, you may have overlooked the possibility that Black may quite logically move his King's Knight to Bishop three on his eighth move instead of exchanging pawns; then the White Bishop will be under attack."

The cobbler half rose from his chair, his normally tranquil features contracted with excitement.

"I did not include that variation in my notes, monsieur, because it seemed to me to be flagrantly obvious, hardly worthy of your consideration. If monsieur will but glance at the position, he will see that, in the event he mentions, the Bishop does not retreat; instead, the Rook occupies the open Knight file; and, if Black captures the Bishop, the White Queen gives check and mate is threatened in three directions simultaneously!"

M. Bonnet laughed. It was a bored, condescending chuckle.

"Of course, you are right, M. Renoir. I merely wished to ascertain if you were familiar with this phase of the attack. Now perhaps it is time I gave this theory of yours some serious consideration. If monsieur will but glance at the position, he will see that, in the event he mentions, the Bishop does not retreat. Although I must confess---" the master's eyebrows rose is good-humored skepticism ---"that I fear I am wasting my time."

Leaning over the table, he began, with the sureness and dexterity which comes with long practice, to move the giant pieces to the various positions designated in M. Renoir's letter. Occasionally, he would pause and frown at the board, at which times the cobbler shifted uneasily in his chair, anxious to be of assistance. Suddenly aware of his guest's nervous fidgetings, M. Bonnet handed him one of the captured men. It was beautifully carved out of pure ivory and was nearly as tall as a man's hand.

"Perhaps, M. Renoir, you would like to examine one of these pieces. They were fashioned for me, personally, and as far as I know there are no others like them. I think the Bishop, in particular, is a perfect bit of craftsmanship. Notice the broad base and slender, tapering top. Is it not well suited to its role as guardian and chief advisor to His Majesty?"

The cobbler looked at the huge piece cursorily, then placed it back on the table. He was unable to share in the master's enthusiasm, for he had no thoughts for other than the men on the board.

For a few minutes more, M. Bonnet occupied himself with the chessmen; then he pushed back his chair and sat staring dreamily through half-crossed eyes at nothing at all. M. Renoir anxiously studied the master's face, attempting to interpret his imperturbable expression. Ten minutes went by, fifteen, twenty, and still the great man did not speak. Finally, the cobbler could stand it no longer.

"Monsieur! Please, my theory---"

M. Bonnet opened his eyes with a start as though he had forgotten his visitor. Then he settled back and began speaking musingly, without looking at M. Renoir.

"Surely, my dear friend, you must realize that this so-called 'theory' of yours is the purest nonsense. There are so many flaws that I cannot begin to point them all out."

He picked up the White Bishop and began turning it over slowly with his long, slender fingers.

"I suppose you are wondering why I did not tell you this sooner, but I was just thinking how ironic it would have been if your ideas had been valid. In one quick stroke, you, a common working man, would have relegated the immortals of the chess world --- Anderssen, Capablanca, Lasker, Morphy, Rubinstein and the rest --- to the ranks of blundering fools who wasted thousands of hours and untold effort in evolving brilliant combinations when actually any idiot capable of understanding the moves of chess could have defeated them simply by memorizing your system. Imagine! The exacting position play of Steinitz, the marvelous, intuitive sacrifices of Alekhine --- nothing but unnecessary, superficial, meaningless pushing of pieces! The concept is hideous; it leads one to believe that perhaps the greatest writings, the principles by which men have governed themselves for centuries may likewise be empty and foolish. No, M. Renoir, I am happy that your system is not infallible; indeed, if it were ---" the master shrugged and looked straight into his guest's eyes --- "I would hesitate to permit you to leave this room alive."

The cobbler's shoulders sagged a little lower as he reached for his cap. "I am sorry, M. Bonnet, to have taken so much of your time," he mumbled. Rising from his chair, he turned to shuffle from the room.

"I am sorry too, monsieur," said M. Bonnet as he fiercely plunged the long, pointed Bishop into the cobbler's unguarded back.

17000mph

Jan 14, 2009

0

#66

aabbccdd wrote:

17000mph wrote:

Isaac Newton had some trouble with chess. His father gave him a brand new set for his birthday. After a few minutes of basic instruction, the elder opened with 1. e3. Isaac countered with Ke9. solves chess. Black cant be checkmated!

One might add to the joke, as e3 can lead most quickly to checkmate, "his father opened with 1. e3. Isaac said, "Whadya take me for, a fool?" and moved Ke9.

Keyif

Jan 14, 2009

0

#67

17000mph wrote:

aabbccdd wrote:

17000mph wrote:

Isaac Newton had some trouble with chess. His father gave him a brand new set for his birthday. After a few minutes of basic instruction, the elder opened with 1. e3. Isaac countered with Ke9. solves chess. Black cant be checkmated!

One might add to the joke, as e3 can lead most quickly to checkmate, "his father opened with 1. e3. Isaac said, "Whadya take me for, a fool?" and moved Ke9.

a very good addition to the joke. Makes it better.

baltic

Jan 14, 2009

0

#68

Two gentlemen were playing their game one day at a zoo.The other guy noticed that his opponent shyly cries in silent manner everytime he touches the knight.
Irritated by this gesture, the guy ask... " Hey bro, no offense but do you have a problem or is there something wrong with my move?"...Wipping his tears the other guy replied.. ..." Not really, but my girlfriend says ...I looked like a Knight and I ask...In galantry?..and she said "No...on the side-view".lol

CoconutTiger

Jan 14, 2009

0

#69

http://suffernchessclub.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/chess-mountain-joke.jpg

17000mph

Jan 15, 2009

0

#70

I haven't read the entire thread, (yet), so I don't know if this one has already been posted....it is maybe one of the most familiar ones:

Einstein was very fond of chess. He was the only player to ever win every game he ever played. His secret?

He never moved.

Keyif

Jan 15, 2009

0

#71

baltic wrote:

Two gentlemen were playing their game one day at a zoo.The other guy noticed that his opponent shyly cries in silent manner everytime he touches the knight.
Irritated by this gesture, the guy ask... " Hey bro, no offense but do you have a problem or is there something wrong with my move?"...Wipping his tears the other guy replied.. ..." Not really, but my girlfriend says ...I looked like a Knight and I ask...In galantry?..and she said "No...on the side-view".lol

Very funny. Took a minute. You could also say "no, from behind"

Keyif

Jan 16, 2009

0

#72

My joke today: The Merchant and the Arab

A Spanish merchant traveling a lonely road did business from town to town. One day he came aross an Arab sitting in the middle of the road with a chess board.

Curious, the merchant asked, "Why are sitting here alone playing chess?"

"Oh, I'm not alone," said the Arab.

"But I don't see anyone with you."

"That is, the Arab replied, because I play the great Allah, the One who is everwhere!"

"You have a powerful opponent, then!"

"Yes, but a fair one."

"And is He winning?" asked the merchant.

"It seems so. Can you see how I can avoid being checkmated by His next move? It will mean I cannot play anymore today."

"Why not?" asked the merchant, puzzled.

"I will have lost all my money," replied the Arab.

Stunned and not believing his ears, the merchant said slowly, "You and Allah play chess for money?" He had never ever heard of such a thing.

"Yes. See, here I lose twenty gold pieces."

"But wait, how do you pay Allah?"

"Oh, of course Allah doesn't take the money Himself. He sends some honest holy man who takes it from me amd gives it to the poor. That is the same as giving it to Allah. And, since I have indeed lost, you must be the man Allah has sent today. Here, do Allah's and take these twenty gold pieces."

The merchant, not as honest or holy as he might have been, was delighted.

Weeks later, again traveling that road, the merchant shook his head at the thought of the Arab playing chess with Allah. Suddenly, in the middle of the road was the Arab, sitting alone with his chess board.

"Is Allah winning today?" asked the merchant pulling his wagon up alongside.

"No," replied the Arab, happily. "In fact, in one more move I shall checkmate Him, and win a hundred gold pieces!"

"And however will Allah pay you?"

"Oh, of course Allah doesn't pay me Himself. He sends some honest holy man who will give me what I have won! Today," the Arab finished, you must be the man Allah has sent to pay me one hundred gold pieces."

AlanL

Jan 16, 2009

0

#73

Chess cartoons from New Yorker Magazine.

Keyif

Jan 17, 2009

0

#74

Great find AlanL

Final-flash

Jan 17, 2009

0

#75

i went to a book shop and saw a book that said 40 best mating positions..darn it turned out to be a book on CHESS!

Keyif

Jan 18, 2009

0

#76

Kama sutra for Chess.

artfizz

Jan 18, 2009

0

#77

Final-flash wrote:

i went to a book shop and saw a book that said 40 best mating positions..darn it turned out to be a book on CHESS!

A young child asked a librarian for the book entitled: HOW to HUG. It turned out to be one volume of an encyclopaedia.

Alex_Kovach

Jan 18, 2009

0

#78

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''Because,'' he said, ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

sonicJZ

Mar 18, 2009

0

#79

artfizz wrote:

Costin posted this joke a year ago:

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Someone suddenly screams "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up shoots a guy then runs out to see that his horse was fine. Comes back in, orders another drink, a voice says "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up, shoots another guy, runs out but there was no one near his horse and he comes back in. The bartender says "Move the damn horse away from the queen already before this guy shoots us all!" (in my country the knight is called horse :p ).

LOL!:D

spoiler1

Mar 18, 2009

0

#80

Keyif wrote:

Q. What is the difference between a large cheese pizza and a chess Grandmaster.

A. The pizza can feed a family of four.

I like it