chess jokes

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!" 

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Q. Why can't Episcopailians play Chess?
A. They don't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen... 

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In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

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BERKELEY, CA - The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game. 

One board member, Claudia Starsniffer, compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. Starsniffer's list claims, 

Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys. 


Chess encourages racism by having a 'war' between a white army and a black army. 


Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first. 


Chess glorifies war. 


Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens. 


Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war. 


Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.
Said Starsniffer, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go! 

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i took these jokes from internet. if you have other jokes please post.

good jokes

 Once, while playing chess in a local park, a radical feminist walked by and arrogantly stated that the Queen is the most powerful piece on the board; to in which I replied, yes ma'am it is, but the game can be played and won without it!

A woman tells her neighbour: "The greatest hours of my life I owe to chess!" The neighbour: "Oh, I didn't know you play chess?" The woman: "I don't, but my husband does!"

Wife to her husband: "You only ever think about chess! You don't even know our wedding day!" Husband: "Of course I do! That was the day when Kasparov played a new variation on the 10th move of the French Defense against Karpov!"

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/fun-with-chess/why-you-should-not-play-the-sicilian  - this is the most you will ever laugh at chess play through and read the annotations

I hope this is going to be an active thread!

lol that was funny. keep posting 

Moments when you should feel danger at chess:

1. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has 8 and you don’t have any.
2. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
3. You have a position won but your opponent has a gun.
4. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
5. Before game begins you notice your opponents 1st initials are ‘GM’.
6. After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.
7. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
8. You don’t control any squares at all.
9. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
10. Your opponent has 3 bishops.

Author: Dan Scoones.

This is where they buried Master Jones.  "No more Mr. nice guy"

[photo removed, unacceptable for a family site

moderator]

"4. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game."

lol, nice one.

Some of these actually are pretty funny!

List of top 10 excuses for loosing a game of chess:

1. Dog ate score sheet;
2. Dead batteries in hidden transmitter;
3. Went outside for fresh air, forgot about tournament;
4. Disturbed by own reflection in opponent’s sunglasses;
5. Still despondent over 1964 death of Fred Reinfeld;
6. Inexplicably confused ECO A29 line 13 note 87c with ECO A13 line note 87c; lost queen;
7. Unlucky pairing with historical nemesis G. Kasparov;
8. During play, pondered both sides of ICC controversy; lost on time;
9. Studied book *How to Beat Bobby Fischer*; was unprepared for other opponents;
10. After making move, accidentally punched opponent instead of clock.

Humor by Don Scoones

My computer beat me at chess.
Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing.
I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.