chess jokes !!!

A chess master died - after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news."
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

lmao

Double interpretation - love it! 

While playing a friendly otb game, my opponent said, "did you know that you make noise when you think?" When I asked him what I was saying, he replied "you just go hmmm, hmmm." "oh" I said, that's my chess engine!

thanks , for your nice comparison between chess and love while the second has many jokes in different cultures.

 your chess engine needs for tuning and Filtering

What is the comparison between a chess game and a wedding party !

hmm..

1- you find black and white

2-there is a king and queen (optimistic :))

3-there is an "OPENING"

4-you do a CHECK from time to time

5-there is a MATE

ah..can't think of more..

oh..a draw is impossible

here is one

some prisoners in a soviet gulag are listening to the 1972 World Championship match between Spassky and Fischer.  The guards take away the homemade radio.

A few weeks later there is a new prisoner in the camp, so the same people who were listening to the match asked who won.

the new guys reply "I lost"

When Asked about his chances against God, Kramnic replied "I could probably draw the game as white"

When asked his chances against Chuck Norris God replied " against him its a mate in 0 he wins"

When asked his chances Against every chess player who ever existed and will exist, Chuck Norris replied " is that your best shot"

I found this is the net...

TOP TEN Moments when you should sense danger in chess:

10. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has eight and you don’t have any.
9. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
8. You have a position won, but your opponent has a gun.
7. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your score sheet after the game.
6. Before the game begins you notice your opponent’s first initials are GM.
5. After completing your development you sense your opponent is playing the endgame.
4. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
3. You don’t control any squares at all.
2. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
1. Your opponent has three bishops.


"

wow

a priest is playing chess, and he asks God to let him win.

God says "sorry Kramnic only draws his games"

playing live chess or online chess using computers and technology

There should be a joke about Fischer obnoxiously repeating "Check" at a restaurant then demanding the server pay him.

A fischer or chess player 

Frasier: I can see why she likes the game - "the king is stationary, the queen has all the power".

Chess & schools

Scared of this gambit? Then you can't play chess!

the best starting ,  i prefer when i play in white and black is software not me !