Fear of playing, fear of losing (long post).

It's a silly and irrational fear, I know. Chess is a game meant to be enjoyed, losing is part of growing, and a rating is just a number at the end of the day. But it's something I've struggled with for a long time, and it's the reason I only played in three tournaments as a kid (two USCF and one unofficial.) I would read a lot about chess, but was worried about playing. Since I was a kid, I went through phases on and off where I was obsessed with chess. I'm 23 now, and just starting to play again after having not played for a couple years. I've played a some live games online, most of which I've lost, losing several rating points (as was expected, since it had been a while). I'm currently around 1200. Many losses were due to stupid blunders I made in a good position. But I still get upset I lose, and I still get nervous before hitting "Start Game." For larger life context, I am a musician. So things that are intimidating to many people--performing onstage, public speaking, auditioning--I can do with no problem. Why then, am I still scared of a simple game that I love? And how do I get over this? If I'm going to get into serious play, I obviously need to have the right attitude. If you've actually read this whole thing, I applaud you. Any advice is appreciated, and please be kind. Thank you :)

I didn't start "getting good" (ie: climb out of the 1600s OTB rating) until after I decided that I didn't care about rating anymore.

Then I gained nearly 400 points in a couple of years.

I know that feeling. and it kept me from playing rapid and blitz for years. The thing with chess is that it can make you feel incredibly stupid when you blunder and choke away a potential win with a silly mistake. 

I don't really have any other advice than to keep playing, it gets easier after a while. See every loss as an opportunity to learn something. Every GM has thousands of losses in their pasts, that's why they are so good now.

In sales we always thanked the person who said No because we knew it was one more step towards the Yes. We are all playing the numbers. In sales you can get by on a 1 or 3% success rate, sometimes. In chess you want more like a good 75% to be in the competition. I always say "Thanks for the lesson" when I lose. It still hurts.😁🙄😥

I don't think anyone can really give you a formula to 'get over it' since it comes down to the individual's character. 

If you can force yourself to just play through it then it will definitely get much easier, and indeed I think a moderate fear of losing can be OK, as it can help to keep you alert.

However, if the issue is to the extent that it's actively preventing you from even starting games, then you will have to decide whether not playing is a price worth paying for not losing as you can't have one without the other. 

Finally, if you want to get into serious chess, you absolutely have to be ready for it. You think losing online is bad? Wait until you have a bad position with your opponent sat in front of you, their smug face enjoying every moment, their ego visibly swelling, pouring themself a coffee ready for the impending hour of torture that they're about to do to you in the upcoming ending, possibly with a condescending comment after the conclusion, before gleefully showing their friends their masterpiece...

Wow!  I never thought I'd have a master comment on one of my posts.  Thank you for your comments!!  🙂

Tyson Fury once said "you can't take a swim without getting wet"

He was talking about boxing and getting hit, but the sentiment is the same.

Are you a warrior or a wimp?

So far in rapid games you have 11 wins, 9 losses and 2 draws.  That's a good ratio.

In the long run, if you're mostly playing against people with ratings close enough to your own (+/- 200), your win/loss ratio (ignoring draws) will hover close to 50/50, because as you improve and your rating goes up you'll be playing tougher players.  You won't get much better than 50/50 unless you're playing mostly against weaker players than yourself.

Just play. 

I guess that like JamesColeman said, it's individual to everyone.

But idk if it would be helpful if I shared a couple things that are helpful for me? Not to say I overcame this fear by any means, but I think it is less than before.

Things I found helpful:
-Playing rated only when I can focus, because when I'm half-focusing I make stupid blunders and that doesn't help anything
-Reminding myself of how interesting chess is and the way I enjoy puzzling things through, and tackling positions as interesting questions
-Thinking of losses as a learning opportunity -- revealing my weaknesses which are areas to hopefully get a deeper understanding of chess
-Not underestimating myself. Not too long ago I didn't know my rating and my friend (then like 1600) kept telling me he thinks I'm 1450+ rapid, but I didn't believe him. Turns out he was right.
In particular, I notice you say you lose most games -- that is simply not true. You have over 50% win rate in all time controls. As the poster above me said, your win/loss ratio should be about 50/50 assuming you are accurately rated so losing half of games is quite normal.

More specific to your comment, you say you get good positions, but would make blunders. Maybe try to have a more positive attitude of enjoying those positions, and thinking about those positions as a puzzle of sorts allowing you to practice things like conversion?

Play as a guest or play against bots, once u have played a few dozen games like this your fear of losing or rather fear of playing will vanish

Definitely not a pastry chef

What are the rest of us? Chopped liver?

Or fried liver since it's a chess site ...

I am not an experienced chess player, but I have experienced similar feelings in another sport. In my opinion, you need to expose your fears often. It's the only way to reduce it. If you play little, your fears will be greater. 

I think you are right, the more I play the less I fear and the less I play the more I fear! The only way is to jump in the pool...and review your games!

It’s trauma from childhood. You are stuck in a freeze response. If you are a musician you will love the book Efortless Mastery by Kenny Wener.

Op, I think you are scared because you cannot defend bad position, like you scared to confront bad people because you are likely to get beaten since you don't know how to defend physically. I think you should improve improve your defensive chess so that you can salvage a draw from bad position. For that you have to have to do in person coaching or learn self learning . It is a nice analogy. You should think about it

I struggle with this problem as well. Ever since my Rapid ELO peaked, i havent touched it. The high number (741) looks so good, right??? I remembered what my favorite artist wrote, which is You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

I'm still afraid of failure and rarely play Rapid. But after i lost a couple games, I realized that i was bored without one of my favorite hobbies. I enabled the hide ratings in the settings and started playing. By not even caring about rating, i actually did better. Its best to do things without overthinking, like ripping off a band aid.

One way of overcoming this is to view rating more like a range (like between 450 and 750) with regular swings.