How do you Convert Chess.com Ratings to USCF Ratings?

I've been looking around and only found outdated versions. Does anyone have or know of an up to date formula that converts the two ratings?

I don't think you should even try really. Both are based on Elo but it's a different environment and the two are only slightly related. All ratings systems really show is the  comparative success between players of games the system rates. 

you don't . 

Best answer.

There's one small trick to determining your general USCF playing strength, particularly if you have no tournament experience...

If a player you've played has their real name and state in their profile, you can do a 'ratings and player lookup' on the USCF site. It's a bit tedious and doesn't always prove successful, but can shed some light on your comparative playing strength.

You don't as the chess.com ratings are based on a flawed system.

Lower than 1400? Subtract 100 or so from your chess.com rating to get a USCF approximate.  Higher than 1700? Add 100 to get a USCF approximate.  If you're even higher, your USCF might be +200 compared to chess.com.  Around 1500-1600, that's right around what you'll end up USCF.

Based on chess.com standard rating.

you cant. not only are chess.com ratings different but so many other factors come into play...i get distracted really easily and almost every game i play im doing something else as well, same gos with prob most people on here so its not taken nearly as seriously as otb

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This is close.

For bonus points, calculate the gravitational constant G by comparing USCF ratings to Chess.com ratings. Also, discuss how adding the cosmological constant relates to rating inflation.

High five!

What system is that?

Look at the Bell Curve for USCF ratings. USCF publishes it online. 

Then look at the percentile ranking of your chess.com rating and see where it falls on the percentile ranking of USCF. That'll give you an idea.

Unfortunately I don't think there is a Bell Curve posted for chess.com so you're sort of screwed. 

Sounds more like a shot in the dark.

A higher percentage of USCF players are better than me (10%), but the 2% of chess.com blitz players who are better is a vastly larger number. The maths is mind boggling.

You don't. A lot of chess.com chess is not played under tournament conditions with tournament time controls. Most of it is blitz rating, so a lot of mistakes are made for either side, especially below the master level.