How to cheat?

Hello, mis amigos del ajedrez! I am looking for ingenious ways to cheat at (OTB) chess. No, I do not plan on cheating, but am writing a novel (about chess!) and would like to incorporate it into the plot. It seems to me chess is one of the hardest games to cheat at, or at least come up with new methods.

Simply put your opponent facing east in the morning, facing west in evening.

Or you could do what I do,

"Oh look a Unicorn"  and when they look, remove his queen and put an extra one for you

When he turns around jam a bishop in his temple, and declare win on time

or

fix his clock so that he always has a minute at the start even though it looks like full time, and wait for his flag to fall

No it's easy to cheat among amateurs who can't keep track of the board position every move or how many pawns/pieces have been captured. Wearing a hearing aid that's actually a mini-radio speaker to get outside assistance dates back at least to the movie Goldfinger (1964, he cheated at cards by having his assistant tell him what was in his opponents hand) , going to the bathroom to look stuff up in a book and/or the game on a pocket set where the cheater can move the pieces around is another idea.  

Hmm...I think a moderator should probably lock this topic.

Buy a brain, hard to get nowadays. TEEHEE.

I know crafty oldmen delibaretly mess around with digital clocks in OTB tournies, and try and claim wins because of illegal moves/times etc.

Hmm...a meddlesome busybody . . . 

agreed.  simply google "otb cheating" and you'll find numerous instances and ways.  i wouldn't touch this with a ten foot bishop.  :D

Play against Kasparov and Carlsen simultaneously, Kasparov as white and Carlsen as black.  Play Kasparov's moves against Carlsen, and play Carlsen's moves against Kasparov.  This way you are guaranteed 1 point out of 2.

by an electronic chess game with engine and say to your opponent that its your electronic notation pad.