My Story

I want to tell the story of my chess development thus far. Here is my story: Some people have overdeveloped intuitions when they begin to play chess. This gives them a headstart on development. For example, I had an overdeveloped openings intuition and understood openings after studying comparatively little. This allowed me to excel at chess in a short space of time and become a very strong player quickly from there. However, I had relatively poor emotional regulation and had to fight my emotional demons for most of my teenage years due to insufficient psychiatric medicating and limited knowledge of self. As my awareness of who I was grew, I began to get stronger. However, my poor emotional regulation and low frustration tolerance kept my chess.com rating low and I knew I would have to improve my confidence in other ways. I held my spirited nature close and clutched at the hope of being "underrated"(Which I still am). However, I was still making a fundamental mistake which was that I wasn't able to combine two things that seemed irreconcilable: Extreme Confidence and Extreme Receptivity. I could have one, and not the other, or the other and not one. Then, it happened, I sunk deep into my first bipolar depression after dropping my medication completely due to complications. For weeks I ebbed and flowed, peaking and troughing as much as far I was physically able. I fell into a spiritual slumber, and focused only on myself. I needed something to keep me occupied in my bipolar peaks, so I began to daydream about going very high on chess.com. My first manic episode, which I diverted with chess. I got as high as 1700 on chess.com before the peak went down and then I started falling. I stopped playing chess till july, when, during a trip to Florida, I realized the oneness of all as it pertained to the Age of Aquarius. An old girlfriend of mine had helped me understand the duality of our age(pisces) and the New Age(aquarius). When I returned I was changed, and I was feeling strange when I went to the psyche hospital for my worst episode yet. I played chess a lot in the psyche hospital, and learned how to improve in that time. After that, I have been healing slowly. Now I am on correct medication, including lithium, and have been kicking butt at 45/45, which I find is useful because it can be fast or slow depending on the type of opponent, but time is unlimited. I am confident that I will rise consistently now, with correct medication, a distinct improvement on improving, a meditational routine, and a spiritual awakening under my belt. 

Now its your turn, tell us your story!

I hate lithium.  Yes, I recognize it's sometimes necessary but for me it was like looking at life through a window.  Glad to hear you are doing some meditation.  For me active meditation is the key to controlling mood swings.  For literally decades I'd do an hour or more of standing meditation a day out in the park.  It burns off manic energy on one hand and provides it during depression.  Nowadays I rarely stand but always do some chi kung, nei gung, or tai chi daily.  My own pet theory about bipolar is that it comes about when you lose the ability to ground yourself.  All of the internal arts stress rooting and connectivity as key to their practice.  Anyway, good luck with your continued recovery. Any other closet crazies out there? 

The psyche hospital actually forced me to teach myself chi meditation. The recovery really picked up when I recovered my pinecones. Those are my spiritual objects that I use whenever I need to ground myself or commune. I take them with me everywhere I go, especially to chess tournaments and classes. I couldn't care less about the "window effect" because I am a really intense person and the lithium makes it actually possible to balance. That's all grounding is really, a balancing act. I've always respected people who have good balance.

I think buddhists are the wisest of all insane bipedal apes.

It's not a very good idea to share too many personal details of your life on chess.com. Various forum trolls will take note and then in the future throw it back at you.

Part of my awakening was not being upset too hard by internet trolls.

My story is that Viswhanathan Anand is related to me so he got some high rated chessplayers to lose to me on purpose. My rating is now a 2103 FIDE (Mainly India).

a few minutes ago · Quote · Edit · Delete · #13

vahsek32

My story is that I scholars mate 101's and get rating on boost mode. ;) my rating is now a 2174 FIDE & 953 USCF.

I don't even have a story. I am just 13 year old... :(

I had about a year of stalking and death threats. It's just no fun.

Fully agree...anonymity is the key