Naked chess phwoar!

I was recently playing in the Welsh National naked chess finals at Llanelli municipal library.  I was the only male to make the quarters and was giving Rhiannon Mathews a good reaming when I made a slip in my endgame fell over backwards and ended up suppositizing a black bishop.  As I was waiting in triage (at the Macynllyth General Hospital) to have the offending piece removed from my rectum it got me to thinking.  The questions just flooded in: 

Was I lucky or unlucky? 

Which piece would be the worst to have impacted in the rectal sphincter - Queen, knight, rook or king? 

Would 9 pawns still be equivalent to a single queen? 

What would be the equivalent rectally impacted scoring system for material?

What would be more painful wood or metal?

Leather or felt-based?

What is the best opening to play to counter the risk of falling over the board backwards whilst bollik naked?

How many pawns could you suppositize before being full?

Which modern player would you most like to play against in this chess format?

If instead you had to eat a piece which would be the easiest to swallow?

How many pawns could you fit in your mouth at once?

What would you drink with them Red or White?

I then passed out.

These questions must be fairly common parlance amongst the chess intelligentia.

So what do YOU think?

there are children on this website.

There is no age restriction amongst the naturist community it's a way of life.  The Welsh tournament starts at U-9.  Children are intellectually able to philosophise scenarios - what is your point?

I don't think that's what he meant.

this is a good concept many questions are unanswerable i think this is just fate what happens nobody can answer them questions but everyone can but can they realy or is the answer pre planed in there head for them waiting for them to answer at the right moment ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Still not sure.  And what does WTF mean?  I am quite frankly sick of the use of TLAs on this site.