The struggles of playing as a husband and father

I have found, especially recently, that it is almost impossible to focus on a single game from start to finish as a husband and father. I have two kids, a two year old boy, and a 7 month old girl. I love my kids more than anything in the world. It is , however, basically not possible to make progress as a chessplayer with all the responsibilites that come with being a father. It doesn't help that my wife absolutely despises my chess habit, and will find any excuse to distract or pull me away from a game, if not just a silent rift of guilt.

Recently, my wife's cousin was visiting. It was a around Christmas, so we were in a vacation mind-set, and my wife's cousin was happily active in helping with our kids. During this time, (5 days) my blitz rating shot up from 1600 to 1750, and I actually wasn't even playing incessently, like i sometimes do. When I did play, however, it was without the tension of knowing that i would likely be pulled away from the game. The day that her cousin left, my rating plummeted to 1650; now it is well below 1600. Playing at night, after the kids and wife are in bed, isn't really an option. For one thing, the kids often wake up, and need attention, but even without that possibilty i am simply too tired to play anywhere near my peak level, and inevitably lose terribly over and over again.

I don't want to give up this game. But, i am at a loss for how to continue without it only bringing turmoil to myself and ultimately my whole family.

Can anyone relate to this?

,

A struggling Fish.

Thanks. Ill use condoms next time.

Give up on chess, and come back to the game once your kids are in their 20s, left home, and you are already retired.

How about playing against the computer?  You can measure progress by the computer level that you are able to beat.

I've put my son on that track (since nobody we know can beat him); let the computer be the tough opponent.  It's worked very well that we've made it (playing against the computer) into a highly-desired reward for him (i.e. he's got to earn it in order to have some chess screen time).  Kills 2 birds with 1 stone.

My take is that until both kid's are in school or full time day care, chess is going to have to be a very, very, very low priority. But it might not have to be eliminated completely.

Might be able to fit in two quality 15 min games or 10 min a week. Maybe even an OTB game at the club when very lucky. For reading, I stuck to very light opening or endgame stuff. Something to get a general idea in 2 or 3 ten minute settings.

For mental health, might want to forget about ratings. If I could play two good solid rapid games a week or one OTB for that week, it was a victory win or lose. It comes down to short bursts of hopefully effective concentration. Rest of the time it's "what is chess?".

If you really got the bug, might also want to pick up one of those pocket chess sets. Then while watching the kids or something, can go over an or start of a gm game for few minutes. But sounds like in your situation, never in front of the wife.

Hang in and enjoy best you can, the kids really do grow up fast then it's a whole different dilemma. Hope it works out well for you.

You must take care of your children first and foremost. What do you want on your gravestone? He was a good chess player? Or he was a good father? (You've experienced firsthand it's impossible to do both without a supporting wife; it doesn't sound like you will change her feelings toward chess, so I suggest you go with fatherhood.) I could be twice the professional I am and probably make a lot more money, but daily I choose to take care of my children first. They will be around a lot longer than I will.

I hear your regret and frustration. Good luck.

Never Give Up chess whatever the reason be

Giving up might be the best solution.

@ mgx9600 sorry but playing the computer would not solve my problems at all. Besides the fact that i dont get the same enjoyment from playing a computer, it is a matter of time and focus, not who or what i am playing.

@ Nckchris

Your common sense advice is actually very good and helpful. Making the shift from playing in an obsessive fashion, chasing doggedly after a rating goal, to that of playing much less, but in a more disciplined focused manner, is indeed the only viable way to continue playing at all. The trick is breaking free from the hardwiring that my mind is caught in with the tail-chasing addict chess that i have been playing. 

I am really going to try to to keep reign it in, and will update here if people seem interested in the topic.

Thank you Candidate35. All good advice.