Ach! My papers dey are ready, for ze IM title request

Ach so! 

Deez vun, deez eez me, in pose requested of me by chess.com for title request, der IM sign in front of my name, zat is.

Now eez deez all? Any other paper it is require of me, please telling?

Think you need to read this...

https://www.chess.com/members/submit-title-proof

Vot eez deez chess.com rule, a rule most monstrous! Dat der IM title requester must submit ze passport copy! But no a zousand times no! Zat is a suggestion most incredible! 

You don't have a friend from Latvia named Igor by any chance, do you?   LOL 

Ze vairy suggestion makes me laugh. Friends called igor? Me, ze IM most impeccable, ze IM Ootes? But no, most assuredly I have not!

Und here eez der proof zat it eez me.

Clearly I need to start attending TEA (Troll Enablers Anonymous) meetings again...

If you're unwilling to provide the required documentation, then the site won't give recognize your title.

Ach! Very vell. If zat is so, I must oblige to ze rules. My additional papers, ze par'pour and ID and so forth will be ready in few days. Maybe three days maybe four. 

Documentation written on toilet paper rolls is no longer accepted.

I beg your pardon? Vot eez meaning of zat? 

This is going to be much harder work for you than Igor and is already less entertaining. Bit of a camp Nazi vibe to the writing style as well. Maybe close this one and try again, something easier for both you and the reader like a solid Aussie bloke from the outback or something. G'day mates, fair dinkum, that sort of thing. Steve Irwin style.