The Italian who went to New York

(Must be read in an Italian accent)

One a day I go to New York.  I stay ina nice a hotel. I go up to my room and there is two pillows, two blankets, but no sheets on da bed.  I say to da chambermaid, I wanna da sheet.  She say, go to da toilet.  I say, I wanna da sheet on da bed.  She say, you better no sheet on da bed, you sonamabitch.

Nexta day I go to da resturant.  I seet atta table, and da waiter bring me da plate, da knife, and da spoon, but no fock.  I say, I wanna da fock.  He say, everybody wanna da fock.  I say, I wanna  da fock on da table.  He say, you better no fock on da table, you sonomabitch.  

The nexta morning I have a da breakfast.  The waitress bring me da eggs, bacon, butta no pissa toast.  I say, I wanna da piss.  She say, you go to da toilet.  I say, I wanna da piss on da plate.  She say, you better no piss on da plate, you sonomabitch.  

I go to check out of hotel, anna da manager say to me, peace on you.  I say, piss on you too, you sonomabitch.  I go backa to Italy. 

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Go straight to jail, do gnotti pasta go.

Hey, issa fettuccini, issa no offence.