When chess is heartbreaking

I first got into chess in 2021. I'd always known how to play but that's when I started really learning things like tactics, openings, etc. Eventually stopped playing due to prioritizing other things in my life.

Fast forward to November 2024: I start getting into it again when someone I work with asks me to bring a chess board to the office. My (then-) girlfriend noticed me playing and she quickly made a Chess.com account and learned the basics: how the pieces moved, what check mate is, etc. I thought it was cute and I helped her learn however I could (she obviously did the heavy lifting of her own learning).

She was stuck in the 100's ELO for a few weeks until she discovered Levi, Anna Cramling, and Hikaru videos. I never knew about these channels before and she showed them to me. I thought they were great. We'd go on to spend nearly all of Janurary, February, and March staying up at night in the office room of the house, watching videos, playing chess, playing games against each other, talking about chess and the chess world drama. By the beginning of February she actually managed to beat me in a game. By the end of February we were fairly close in skill, me being about 200 ELO points above her. There was a day either at the end of February or beginning of March where she actually beat me 11 games to 10. I was really proud of her and very happy for her that she found a positive hobby for herself.

To understand where the heart break comes in, you'll have to know a little about our life pre-chess. She suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder / Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The ups and downs of our year-and-a-half long relationship were very clearly defined, typically separated or exacerbated by stressors / certain events. For anyone with a loved one who suffers from BPD or NPD, I'm sure you know what I mean. The "bad times" are really really bad. It verges on (and even passes into) abuse at times. And on the other side, the "good times" are an absolute euphoric feeling, which is good... but the issue is the relationship has no emotional stability from one side. 

Some of our relationship "periods" were moving into a new house together that I'd bought was defined by a brief period instability but more or less good times. Me starting to work at an office (not at home) was defined by a longer period of instability from her that was very difficult for our relationship. Her starting back up at school taking online classes was a good period of time, sans the day before an exam. She got pregnant, which was a rocky time. She miscarried after about 2 months, which was rocky again at first, but ultimately a sad time that brought us closer together. An argument between my brother and I that led to a brief falling out with my family led to us growing even closer as she saw my pain. Then, the Chess period happened.

We flourished together. Our relationship was strong, we were genuinely happy together, and we were spending more quality time together than ever before. I'd bought an engagement ring when she got pregnant, but the instability she displayed through that time made me very anxious to propose. I was feeling comfortable with doing it now thanks to how Chess positively impacted her and us. She had seen therapists and shrinks, but those are only as good as your commitment is to making them good. Surprisingly, chess seemed to be healing her. I'd bought a beautiful wooden set that we'd play against each other on all night. It became a centerpiece to the living room. I bought cute chess-themed wall art for some of the house. We'd go to my favorite coffee shop and I'd bring a travel set and we'd play there to close. Chess was saving, and defining, our relationship in a way.

As with every story of a heartbreak, there's the heartbreak. Her self-improvement and better mood led her to wanting to start her career. She became an insurance sales agent, which required her to study for a week or two and take an exam before starting to perform the job. The lead up to the exam was still a great time. We'd play chess on her study breaks, she was happy to be learning something new and exciting to her, I was proud of her.

Then, she started the job. The next 3 weeks would be a complete breakdown of our relationship and my heart. I consider myself to be pretty stable emotionally, and I have loved this woman since the day I met her. I had anxiety around her BPD / NPD, but she'd proven up until then to never give up on us regardless of the hurt her behavior caused us. I was committed to this woman and wanted to marry her. It broke my heart to watch this woman gradually start to resent me for no fault of my own.

Mornings were filled with her yelling threats and insults at me as she got ready for work. The drives (she doesn't have a license, so I graciously drove her every morning and picked her up every evening) were filled with accusations and more threats. Our time at home in the evening was unstable; she'd either continue her accusations or threats until a complete breakdown before bed, or spend the evening crying and apologizing for her words and actions earlier. I was doing my best to salvage the relationship but there was quickly becoming nothing left to salvage at all.

About 2 weeks ago was the breaking point. Her rage turned physical and the threats had serious consequences. She was throwing things at me, like wooden picture frames, plastic drink bottles, phones... she was scratching me when I'd try to consul her, leaving a mark that thankfully healed on my face and some scarring on the top of my right hand. The threats turned to her threatening to call police on me as she was doing all this (Rationally, yes, this doesn't make sense. But logically, a person who is willing to hurt you is also willing to lie about you. And police (reasonably) tend to believe women at the onset of an investigation). She eventually broke me completely. I felt helpless, depressed, I'd broken one of my car windows. And the abuse kept coming. Until last week. I picked her up from work and that would sadly be the last time I would see her. She started yet another argument but that time she made good on the threat to call the police. I was arrested and spent 2 nights in county jail on charges that are completely fabricated, and she had moved out of my house in the meantime. 

And that leads us back to the wooden chess set that is the centerpiece of my living room and the chess themed art on the walls around my house. What were once sources of great feelings and memories, have become reminders of unthinkable pain and suffering. I loved my now-ex-girlfriend and I loved to play chess more than anything in the world not that long ago. Now I can't bring myself to look at a chess set without being overcome by emptiness.

I know one day the feeling will pass. I also know some days I might find the courage to play a few matches. I fear though I will never again love chess the way I did when she loved it with me. And for that reason I say, chess is heartbreaking.

Thank you for reading.