Dealing with Children's Emotions

I'm almost to the point that I don't want to do anymore with a student of mine. He's 8 years old, very distractible, very prone to making the first move he sees, and very emotional when it comes to losses.

On the plus side, he's a very bright student, and is the best 3rd grade and under player at his school chess club. He teaches others things that I've taught him, and is very popular at school.

We met tonight, and I couldn't get him to concentrate on what I was trying to teach im. I set up a position (K+Ps vs K+Ps), giving him a material advantage and tried to show him that the King was needed as a fighting piece. He just wouldn't cooperate after the first try when he lost the position. Tears came down like pouring rain, and I couldn't get him to listen to me at all.

At this point, he's interested only in the fun stuff (puzzles like the Anteater, and others, that he knows inside and out), and which I no longer see any value in doing.  I know he probably looks at chess coaching meets as fun events, and doesn't want to duplicate the hard work of studying after a day of classes.

Well, I could make this into a book, but I'll stop and ask what do others do to handle these types of situations? Has anyone realized a method for teaching these young players to slow down, and pay attention?

Now imagine being a teacher with a classroom full of kids like him. Teachers work is underappreciated, I always say.

As for how I would handle a situation like that ?

First of all, as long as the tears flow don't expect him to listen to ANY reasoning. Give him some time to collect himself, kids minds are more robust than most adults give them credit for, and just because he's crying now doesn't mean he can't be laughing and having fun in a few minutes.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to comfort him or feeling bad for him. One of the best and most important parts of teaching chess is that it should teach the kids to get their anger and dissappointment under control and learn how to lose with grace.

Wait until he is receptive once again and then say something motivating like "Well, understanding that endgame might take a bit of time. So for now, how about you show me how well you remember that K+R vs K ending?"

This will let him have a success again, and you can return to the original lesson some other time.

Thank you for your insights of a 3rd grader 'World Champion'. I've read carefully and all that is sounds normal. One thing though, I did not hear anything about a reward system or comparisons for the young man? I believe with much to your credit that your little man may understand he has reached the 'top' and now it's time to have some fun and 'show off' a little. ie 'No time to learn any more chess stuff, boring!'

As teacher/mentor of wise strategy would include:

• Re-Introduce a 'star-chart' system where he gets rewards, 'blue moon' for currently exploring, 'stars' for each target completed. (He can 'show-off' with this item.) You could also assign a secondary 'ELO' chart for some good fun! (and comparison, reference for you)
• Do some history together of great chess players from the past, present and the work they had to put to practice in order to acheive 'World Champion' or different levels of status. (Put a 'star' on the chart.) Then ask and record what goals your man may have.
• Just for fun you may have a regular section where the teacher/student roles are reversed.
• Consider a system where you with your young man and an other teacher/3rd Grader pair up in a say, a 3-5 point match. This could be a regular weekly, fornightly event. Or once a month with some great prizes!

There are many more ideas to stimulate the young man's interest. I hope you do well and your student becomes another of thw world's greatest Chess players!

PS The emotion reponses would seem to tye in with his self-belief that he has 'reached the top' and disappointment gets the water-works flowing.

Choose to be happy

I deal with students like this regularly. In fact, I was one of these kids when I was younger.

elSup's idea of a reward system is an excellent idea. So is kaynight's 'performing seal' idea. I would only suggest not using a fish.  Instead, offer to let him do something he wants to do after he has done something you want him to do.

"He just wouldn't cooperate after the first try when he lost the position. Tears came down like pouring rain, and I couldn't get him to listen to me at all"

If it were me, I would ignore the crying, reset the board and begin playing out the position myself. I wouldn't try to teach him at this point or even talk directly to him, just make the moves. You can even talk to your self; 'lets see, if I move here, this can happen, if I move there, that can happen...'

I often use this strategy with students who cry easily. Usually, once they realize the crying is not going to distract you, they will, at the very least, stop crying and watch. After a while he may even abandon the crying strategy.

This strategy is something I learned working with troubled kids. They get use to a certain type of response when they behave inappropriately. The 'trick' is to respond to them in a way they don't expect. Emotionally sensitive children often end up being coddled by exhausted parents and teachers and it becomes the norm response for the child to gain attention. Since you only have to deal with him for an hour or 2 a week, then you will perhaps have the strength others in his life don't.

Feel free to message me if you would like more strategies for dealing with students like this.

8-yr olds should be running around outside playing, not hunched over a chess board.  Obviously he's not emotionally mature enough for chess, try again later.

Also....

You should talk to his parents about this behavior. They may either not be aware of it or have some strategies for dealing with it.

And, monitor yourself. Make sure you are not doing anything that is encouraging or triggering this behavior.

How do the others react when the behavior starts distracted? Is he the only player in this age group? The time effort and energy you are giving this child takes away from the others sit down with his guardian and say look the behavior needs to stop if not this may not be the right activity right now take some time away and learn some social skills and tell them it's just a game

Chetwisner,

You are describing what is a mere glimpse into the horrid future that lies before us as a consequence of the digital instant gratification syndrome that is eating away at the foundations of our culture more quickly than undetected cancer destroys a life.   Fifty gazillion kids just like him thundering towards a future of chaos.  Zero attention span, coupled with self pity and no self discipline and no comprehension that sometimes a bit of suffering is a prerequisite to self improvement.

You described my nephew perfectly and I think there are about fify million more kids just like that.

So, what do we do?

Please remember this is just one student who I have; we're not in a classroom setting with group classes.

Another pressure I have is that the parent are always there, sitting close by, listening to my every word. Dad isn't so bad, but mom is there ready to coddle, and brush his hair, and get him some ice cream when he has the fits.

I want to ignore his outburts, and I want his parents to do the same, but they are his parents, and I'm just coach.

I could sit and take dad's money all day long and play the games he likes, but that's not my method.

I suppose what I'm looking for, from those who coach kids this age, is what types of lessons do you attempt to teach? How can we make it a learning project while still having fun?

At this stage, I'm attempting to teach him how to create passed pawns. If I give him a puzzle to solve, he gets antsy if he doesn't solve it in a few seconds, and wants to give up.

@ doppelgangsterII Well, maybe not as intense as your idea and so I come up with something similar. (lol)...

Maybe he needs a flogging! I don't mean with a cat o' nine tails.  Instead just one lesson where you say very little (Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much. John Wayne) and just play several games mano a mano. You must be able to throughly beat him each game! (Any crying, misbehaving or lack of attention etc. and the lesson is closed and the young man goes home). Then finish the lesson and let him go with no explanation. 

Call it the 'John Wayne' approach that may play well in your neck of the woods.(lol) The boy may well have lots to think about and you may not see him again. If he does come back there's sure to be a mighty change in his attitude, lest you do the 'John Wayne' on him again.

You are afterall, a Chess mentor/teacher not a baby sitter and not expected to have the skills of a child psychologist. There comes a time when a person's desire to succeed has to be tested for the benefit of both teacher and student. Without such a confrontation you are both just wasting each other's time.

Good luck with that idea and remember he may not come back but then he was never really there anyways.

Choose to be happy

@elSup:

Problem with your idea is that the kid's already home, and his parents are hovering nearby with Mom ready to get ice cream for him when he has a fit. Looks like a near impossible situation.

@ baddogno Oh ok. I mistakenly thought they were in a classroom or similar. hmm?

Hey maybe it will still work? If the crying starts just leave the house. Say nothing and don't go back until the parents call and guarantee that it won't happen again...

Then crying = leave house

You may get rid of a 'pain in the neck' or he may come around and show you some respect. I hope it all works out for you, ok. We want you to be happy. The parents can always find another Chess teacher, so it's not your problem.

Choose to be happy

I'm been teaching a 9 year old (at no charge) once a week for over a year.  It's my only experience so far teaching chess to a kid, but I've been a practicing clinical psychologist for 40 years, and have seen a lot of kids in therapy. 

Sounds like you've entered into a spoken or upspoken contract that sets you and the kid up for failure.  I give the lessons at my house -- no parents or other adults around to "observe" or be distracting.  I can be as flexible as I want to be in dealing with the normal frequent shifts in mood and attentiveness I'd expect with a 9 year old -- even a very bright 9 year old, as this one is.  

It can help to shift modalities -- I show him some online games, sometimes work on Tactics Trainer for awhile (the time limits can make it exciting), even switch to some game Besides chess for a break during a lesson.

We have fun, so he still likes chess.  Of course neither of his parents expects me to turn him into a Grandmaster -- and how could I, given my skill level? ;-)  Plus, since I'm not charging money, I'm not hooked into justifying my fee by pushing him.

Bottom line:  Follow the child.  Not to indulge him, but because it works.

Things to keep in mind:   If you're not enjoying the lesson, he's not. If he's not enjoying the lesson, you're not.  If an 8 year old keeps having melt-downs in lessons to teach him a Non-Essential Skill, continuing the lessons in the same way will backfire -- not just short term for both of you, but long-term for him.  He may not be ready for chess lessons now -- maybe he will be later, maybe not.  

Have you seen how quickly kids learn Anything when they're excited and interested and feeling successful?  What a joy that is to see -- and what a strong positive predictor that is for their future success in learning other new things -- for the rest of their lives.  I wish your student the best -- and you, too. :-)

Thanks for the thoughts, all, I'm not really that experienced a coach, so perhaps part of it is my own learning. He's always excited when he bounces in to the club, so we'll see how Tuesday Night goes.

Why, thank you for noticing.  (I do so love to talk about modalities -- but then again, who doesn't?  )

I have played chess since I was 7. We now have a 7 year old at our chess club and we set him up with this starting position. 

It is not easy to get them focused once they have become flustered.  I felt terrible about it.  (This position is in the chess.com kids curriculum.)  For the record I don't think 7 years old is too young, I played it at 7, and so have loads of other children. 

Read _Mindset_ by Carol S. Dweck.  Better yet, have his parents read the book.  It sounds like your student is stuck in a fixed rather than a growth mindset.  He's not focused on learning and growing, but rather on validating his current intelligence and skills by getting the right answer or by winning.  This is a common problem for gifted children.

The good news is that mindset can be changed and your student is not so old that changing his mindset is prohibitively difficult.  You'll need the cooperation of his parents though.

If he does develop a growth mindset, you'll not only have succeeded as a chess coach, you'll have put the kid on a path towards a happier and more successful adulthood.

Not sure what your point is, but Fischer is an example of the fixed mindset.  His identity and self worth was wrapped up in his current chess strength.  Probably one of the reasons why he was so demanding about the conditions of play and why he quit the game when he got to the top.  Losing to him was like having his ego destroyed, just as winning to him was about crushing the other guy's ego.

Of course, he had some of the qualities of the growth mindset as well.  He studied hard to get better.   No one is purely fixed or growth-minded.  However, Fischer's motivations were largely those of someone with a fixed mindset.